*A HYMN OF PRAISE

2010-07-12T14:37:00.002+08:00

当你把希望寄托于他人时，或许就注定了要受到失望的伤痛。
我曾经相信过，甚至崇拜过一些人。把他们当作是我学习的榜样。我欣赏他们的品德，认同他们的行为方式。我希望自己有一天也能和他们一样。

可是，随着年龄的增长，我发现，这些被我敬仰着的人一样有缺点，他们一样会做出不正确的决定。甚至连我视为珍宝的品德，他们也可能为了生存的利益而舍弃了。

这时候我才发现，人没有一个是十全十美的。如果我们把期望寄托在他人身上，我们就容易失望，甚至对这世界产生绝望感。

曾经我也希望能做人们眼中十全十美的女孩。我希望成为模范，我希望通过自己的行为让人认为这世界也可以很美好，很单纯。

可是后来，我发觉，当一个好人不容易，而且真的很累。
偶尔当我放纵自己，做一些别人认为我不当做的事时，我竟然就成了千古罪人，成为了人们指指点点的对象。可是我也是人啊，我不可能永远十全十美。
我也会累的。
我只想做个平凡人。
我希望别人接受的，是真实的我，而不是他们希望看到的我。

爱，能不能没有条件？
世界能不能单纯一点？

2010-07-09T20:51:00.003+08:00

It's holidays and I am having more time for myself. I guess this explains why I am able to compose two posts consecutively, not so much for other's reading but rather to just pen down some of my thoughts.

Firstly, I want to thank God for my results this semester. As I was saying, this had been a very hectic semester for me. And at the end of the exams period, I was almost certain that I would fail most of the modules. Yet, the Lord has performed for me another miracle and it turned out that many of my results were much better than I expected. For that I am really grateful for I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness.

In the midst of my joy, however, there is something that made me feel upset. In my post yesterday, I mentioned that there is a friend whom I dare not contact for fear that I will disrupt his busy schedule. Rationally I know I should just keep my distance and leave him to be. But on the other hand, I really treasure our friendship and wouldn't want to lose it to our busy-ness nor my own pride. Secretly I am really hoping that he will be the one to take the initiative to contact but deep down I know that it would be impossible. Much as I wouldn't like to admit it, we may lose this friendship afterall. I guess in any human relationship (be it friendship, kinship etc), if only one party is taking the effort to maintain, the relationship can never last. No, I am not trying to blame anyone for anything. I suppose everything means differently to different pple. And right now I am hoping that at least our friendship weighs enough to let him pause his work for an instant.

2010-07-07T18:37:00.003+08:00

Often we are so busy with life that we never realise it. Yet, the truth is, time flies. I am pleasantly surprised that I have already completed one year of my undergraduate studies and is now enjoying my well-deserved (well, I would like to think that this is a well-deserved break after a long, hectic semester) holiday in an extremely warm but relatively lovely city---Beijing.

As a matter of fact, it's already one week into my holidays. The initial excitement and relief is wearing off and to be honest, I am beginning to feel bored and erm...lonely, since I am alone in my room, in a foreign land. And the fact that I have to move out by the end of this week didn't help to lift my spirits. The thought of having to move my belongings, esp my bulky washing machine, kind of makes me sick. But nonetheless, it's holidays -- a much awaited season where I can (theoretically) finish up on things I have planned to do but didn't manage to touch on during the school term.

On a sidenote, I was trying to make use of this holiday to catch up with some of my friends since I am not able to return to SG this summer. It was then that I realised that time and distance does make a difference to friendship. I am not saying that anything unhappy happened between us. Just that there is this distant feeling which I cannot put into words. It's like all of a sudden, there is no longer any common topic. I understand that both parties are working very hard to try to keep the conversation going, and it hurts me even more that despite our effort, we could hardly speak for more than fifteen minutes:(

On the other hand, there are some friends on msn who are extremely important to me. Yet, everytime I place the cursor on their names, I do not have the courage to click and start a conversation. Simply because I know they are busy and that it would be very selfish for me to bother them with my silly "hellos".

I don't know if I am making sense, but I just can't help but wonder if there is an expiry date to human relationships afterall? At different points in our lives, we come across many different people, and for a certain period of time, it seems like our lives revolve around a particular group of friends. Yet, when we move to the next phase in life, the group begin to scatter and eventually we find ourselves new company. I still remember my best friends back in primary school. Though we still try to meet up occasionally and keep in touch via msn/facebook/friendster etc, I can't help but notice that for most part of our lives now, it's another group of people who are by our sides. Well, I thought perhaps that's just part of growing up. But ultimately what pains me most is, sometimes, we may get so carried away with our present lives that we forget all about the past. Recently, I tried to re-connect with a friend. This friend was one of my dearest friend ever. Though we hadn't contacted each other for many many years, she is always an important part of my childhood memory. And stupidly, I had thought I weigh the same to her. Unfortunately, when I tried to contact her not so long ago, I was appalled to know that she no longer remembered who I am.Hmm, I don't know if this is common to all in the process of growing up, or is it just a failure on my part. Perhaps, I am such a boring friend that I hold not a single significance to others. Honestly, it hurts.

But I guess I will live with it. And though she has ceases to remember me, I will still hold my memories dear. Who knows? Maybe one day she may suddenly remember somehow...Either way, I still hope with all my heart that friendship will last forever, through the trials of time....

In the meantime, I guess I will still try to contact as many friends as possible during holidays. Whatever happens in future, at least I know I did try to keep the bond going.

Reflections on the End of Time

2010-04-25T14:20:00.000+08:00

In 2008, the country was shaken by news of a massive earthquake in Sze Chuan. And in less than 2 years’ time, China faced yet another disaster in Yu Shu County. In fact, if we would just flip through the newspapers, we realize that in many parts of the World, there are all sorts of natural and man-made disasters taking place every now and then, not to mention those that Man have grown too accustomed to and no longer find the need to report them in the News. As Christians, apart from causing us pain and sorrow, I guess these unfortunate events serve as strong reminders to us that the end is really near.
In Matthew 24: 4-8: “Jesus answered: ‘Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ’, and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.”
There have been many speculations on exactly when Jesus will come again and recently, many seemed to have agreed on the year 2012. But we know that when the Lord comes it will be as a thief in the night, no one will know exactly when the time will be. Yet we know He is coming…and coming really soon. And I am writing this note, because the thought of His return stirred up mixed feelings within me.
On the one hand, I am filled with joy and hope that He will be coming back for us. Just as He promised, He has gone to prepare places for us and when He returns, He will fetch us to be with Him forever. And often when life gets hard, I would pray that that day would arrive sooner to put an end to present sufferings.
Yet, on the other hand, the end of time also caused me fear. For as the day draws near, man deceivers would arise. Though I have been a Christian for almost 20 years now, and have heard His Word probably since I was in my mother’s womb, I still can't help but worry that I am not ready to decipher right from wrong. In fact, the older we get, the more our ambitions and desires and thus the easier it gets for us to stray away from Him. Moreover, the deceiver often appears in sheep’s clothing, tricking us with their seemingly flawless “truths”. Can we say with certainty that that we will not be deceived? At least for me, I can’t.
In addition, each time I remember my loved ones, my relatives, friends and all the unbelievers God had put in my life, I shudder at the thought of the end. For we know then, that the door would be closed and many would be shut out. And if we agree upon 2012 (and who knows, it may just be earlier), we find that seriously, we don't have much time left. Time is ever so precious! Yet, for most of us (myself very much included), our lives are spent on everything else except spreading His love.
I am not writing this because I feel I am in any position to lecture my fellow brothers-and-sisters-in-Christ. I am writing this simply because I heard a sermon this morning regarding the end of time and it struck me so deeply that I see the need for a reflection. As the end draws near, all the more we ought to stay alert and be prepared for His coming.
愿与众弟兄姐妹们共勉,
caiyun

Returning...

2010-02-17T17:16:00.002+08:00

I will be returning to China tomorrow morning. This trip home really makes me reluctant to leave again. It was my deepest regret that I am not able to meet many of my friends and relatives this time round and I would really like to express my heartfelt apologies.

Finally, I wish all my loved ones a happy and blessed new year and take care folks:) <3 y'all loads!

Happy Lunar New Year:D

2010-02-14T11:20:00.001+08:00

Wishing all a very happy and blessed New Year. And a happy Valentine's Day:)

祝愿大家虎年蒙恩，新年进步:) 同时也祝愿情人节快乐:D

Haircut!~

2010-02-08T21:16:00.002+08:00

Sigh, I must be out of my mind; to think that when my mum said she is bored and wants to try out hair-cutting, I didn't stop her from using me as a guinea pig! Only when she started snipping off my hair bit by bit did I realise what I've gotten myself into!

Gosh, with less than one week away from CNY, my hair is at its all time SHORT-ness! Ahh, how I wish there is a hole into which I can hide myself! Gah!

Sigh, what to do? What's done cannot be undone. Hopefully my hair can do me a favor and grow faster~

Back!:)

2010-01-27T22:24:00.003+08:00

To all my friends, yes, I am back in SG until mid-feb:) Thank you some for your well-wishes and concerns even when I was in China.

There are really loads of people I would like to meet while I am here; many many friends who were constantly on my mind. However, I would like to apologise, due to time constraints, I am not able to meet all of you. I would also like to stress that if I do not get to meet you this time, it doesn't mean that you are not important to me. and you are always free to call me if you are going to China.

Lastly, all the best to all and keep in contact.

P.S. I will not be uploading the photos I took in China. If you want the photos or my china hp no./add etc, pls contact me:)

take care and God bless:)

Thanksgiving:)

2010-01-21T17:46:00.001+08:00

半年前，第一次到北京勺园，看见那阴暗的浴室，我的心不禁往下沉了数十丈。第一次自己一个人在房里过夜的时候，是泪水陪伴着我入眠。上第一堂课的时候，教师里到处是人；教授讲的东西我又不怎么听得懂。当时，真有股冲动想要收拾行李回家去。

但很庆幸，我最终还是坚持了下来。这一路走来，感谢主一直与我同在。
就灵命方面，感谢主的带领。在未来这里以前，我最担心的就是没办法找到一间教会。然而，教育部分配给我的buddy竟然就是一名基督徒。透过她的介绍，我来到了新树教会，并且我们几位新加坡同学也定期地聚在一起查经。从弟兄姐妹那里，我感受到了无限的关怀与爱。正是这一份爱支撑着我度过每一个想家的日子。一个学期下来，我们彼此扶持，彼此玩闹，彼此学习，彼此担当，在主里逐渐地成长。感谢主！同时，我也有幸地见证了另一个家庭教会的成长过程。那教会叫做“守望教会”。之前，由于中国政府反对他们聚会，因此他们被迫在十月底迁离之前聚会的场地，并需要在短时间内筹得巨款来租一个新的地方。当我们听到这个消息时，我们虽然也担心，也为他们祷告，但是我们却认为神必定会帮助他们，让他们在迁离就场地之前找到新的聚会场所。然而，十月底很快来到了，他们被迫搬离原来的场所。十一月一日，守望教会无奈地只能在公园外聚会。偏偏在这一天，北京市飘起了今年的第一场雪，还是北京十几年来罕见的大雪。望着那一场雪，我虽然很兴奋（毕竟是我人生中见到的第一场雪），但是心里不免有些寒。不禁要问“主啊你到底在哪里？为什么任由你的子民为你名的缘故受这样的苦？”，因为守望教会中除了年轻人外，更多是生病的老人。尽管如此，当天聚会上，还是有很多很多的弟兄姐妹出席了。我们在为弟兄姐妹的信心、爱心感恩的同时，也为他们感到心疼。

后来，我们发现那一场雪原来是人造的。这又带给我们另一番的省思：我们所处在的是一个可以随人意来造风造雨的国家。正如我的查经小组中的一位姐妹说的，在这个人才济济的国家中，我们的日常生活仿佛是人手构筑出来的；在这样的一个国家，我们要抓紧我们的神，这成了一个必要的挑战。

又后来，我们听说守望教会和政府达成了协议，让他们暂时在室内广场崇拜。不料，安息日当天，官方却差派人员到牧者和一些长老的家中阻止他们出来……

但感谢主，就在2010年的一月，我们获知守望教会终于筹集了足够的钱，并和官方签约，能正式建堂。这对于家庭教会来说不愧是一项先例。我们虽不能说和他们一起经历风雨，但是同他们一起走过这样一个阶段，见证了神的信实，我相信我们的灵命都得到了滋养。赞美主。

另外，就我日常生活方面，我也感谢主，一直陪伴着我。在我难过、孤单的时候，主赐给了我非常有意思的同学、朋友，我们一起学习，相互陪伴。也感谢主，赐给我家人不时地给予我鼓励、安慰。虽然说上一年我们一家都经历了不少不愉快的事，但我感谢主，因为他的爱托着我们。我也相信在适当的时间，主要彰显他的荣耀，叫万国万民归向他。特别要举几个例子说明主对我无微不至的照顾：

首先，在北京骑自行车的人本来就多，加上我的技术非常不好，因此碰到人是常有的事。但很感谢主，每次我碰撞到人，我只要跟对方道歉他们都会说“没事儿”，然后微笑着走了。起初我还在想，中国人脾气真好啊。直到后来，我的朋友撞到了人几次，对方都是恶言相向，我这才知道原来我是被　神恩待着啊。另外，有几次，我在外面险些迷路，但是我一祷告，主都会为我指引方向。还有很多很多主应允我祷告的实例，我实在难以一一道尽，惟有感恩再感恩。当然，主并不是什么都应允我的，也有过失望，也有过挣扎，但是都走过来了，感谢主。

从开始的担心害怕，到后来的孤独想家；从满怀信心到受挫失望，到全然交托，这几个月我想在某种意义上我是真的成长了。真的很感恩，也祈愿在接下来的日子里主能继续引领，让我们都行在他的慈爱与旨意中。

2009-08-29T07:58:00.003+08:00

I will be leaving SG tomorrow.

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers:) I am also deeply touched by many who are concerned about how I am feeling. Honestly, I can't put a single description to my feelings right now. There is a tinge of sadness, some excitement, certain degree of apprehension and worry, a little anticipation and so on. Basically, I think I am pretty alright, as in I am not being depressed or hysterical...yet. But the fact that I am online so early in the morning (in fact, I woke up at 4 plus this morning) though I slept at past midnight yesterday goes to show that I am not in the least nonchalent.

I think it helps that I am still HERE in SG. Thus, though I am already starting to miss my friends, the feeling's not so intense as yet. And the advancement in technology means that I can still keep in contact with many of my friends. And with Net and Tel etc, they are truly "just a phone call away". Moreover, I am coming back in Jan, so ultimately, I wouldn't be away from them for too long:) If it seems like I am consoling myself, I admit I am, haha. But nonetheless, I will try to stay positive:)

May the Lord be with me, my family and my loved ones. May He look after my home, my family members and all my friends. With Him by my side, I know everything will be fine:)

Farewell, all my friends and take care:)

2009-08-25T14:25:00.001+08:00

2009-08-25T11:11:00.001+08:00

2009-08-23T14:28:00.002+08:00

I feel very much strengthened now. And honestly such positive thinking is pretty rare for me recently, amidst all the difficulties that I was facing. I have no idea how long I can maintain such strength but I pray that the Lord will give me the faith to believe in Him under all circumstances.

I just returned from church and I am glad to say that the love of Christ has touched me once again. As the song we sang puts in "even in midst of storm and troubles, His grace will never leave us" and no matter what happens, nothing can seperate us from His love. Amen!

I really don't what may happen in the future. For all I know something extremely good/bad may just happen tomorrow. Or even, it may happen the instant I finished typing one word. But come what may, I want to trust in Him forever. I know the Lord will make a way for me, for us. And I know that all things work for him that love Christ...

In one week's time I will be away. I cannot predict what may happen to me, to my family, to my loved ones. Everything may change: my character, the environment and even my relationships with people. But I am holding on to Him for I know all things will pass away but He remains the same yesterday, today and forevermore. And I also pray that whatever changes that may take place in me personally will be positive, in that these changes will bring glory to His name.

I may be alone in a foreign place but I know I am accountable to God and to all who have showered me with their many blessings. I go alone, but I carry with me the hopes and love of many that are here. And for their sakes, as much as for myself, I will obey the Holy Spirit and may He shape me to be the person that He wants me to be.

Glory be to God on High.

A Prayer to God in my depression

2009-08-19T10:05:00.002+08:00

O Lord, my spirit is crushed. My nightmare has come true. I cried to You, Lord, but You have chosen to remain silent. I know that You have Your way in life and that nothing happens without You knowing or allowing. I know that You will make a way for me, for us. But Lord, it's so difficult to remain hopeful in this period of difficulty.

I am overcome with fear and paralysed with worry. Lord, if You will, take this cup of suffering away from us. Lord, protect us from all evil and rescue us from trials and tribulations.

But Lord, may Your will be done. Lord, forgive me for my myopic vision. I can't see things from Your perspective. I can't understand why You are allowing all these to happen? Why did You let the Evil one triumph? But Lord, if possible, please hurry to our aid. Save us before we crumple and die under these pain. Lord, please do not forsake us.

My Lord, my Savior, please come to our rescue. And grant us a new lease of life.

2009-08-12T22:06:00.003+08:00

2009-08-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

2009-08-12T21:15:00.003+08:00

I feel so upset now! I love to watch tv drama serials but I never expected any of the things shown on tv to happen in real life. But the truth is they are true reflections of what really happen in real life. And the worst thing is, they are happening in my life. It's like all of a sudden my life is so surreal, so dramatic!!!
And I HATE IT!!!

I have always believed that I am a pretty calm person. Or at least I always appear calm, so I have been told. But recently, I realised I am losing my cool more easily. Seriously, look at my previous posts or my status on fb. Majority, if not all, of them are negative. I really feel very very VERY UPSET!!!!

Honestly, I really don't know what I am living for. I suppose everyone feels this way every now and then but recently, I really cannot see the purpose in my living. Yes, I think my going to China to study have a very big part in this. I never liked changes in environment etc and now that I am going to China, I feel really worried. The uncertainty of the future distressed me. Plus the MANY other things that are happening...sigh.

I wish I am a stronger Christian. I pray that I could have more faith to believe in God. He had proven Himself to be merciful and faithful time and again. But I just cant help worrying...What should I do?

Lord, help me find the way, bring me back to You...

Countdown Widget

2009-08-11T16:10:00.001+08:00

clock widget

谁能告诉我?

2009-08-02T22:11:00.002+08:00

谁能告诉我
究竟我在奢望什么?
明知道结局
却还是盼望着奇迹

谁能告诉我
心湖的波动为什么?
明知是陷阱
仍然要一头栽下去

谁能告诉我
脑海中的影子是谁?
明知会过去
为何仍要苦苦追寻

Why is my life troubled as a christian?

2009-07-31T21:18:00.003+08:00

Sometime in the year hunting season came and it was time to hunt quail. A farmer brought his hand to care for the dogs and carry the shot quail. As they came to a thicket, the dogs began to point. As the quail were flushed from the bushes, they took to the air in a flutter of noise, boom, his shotgun thundered as two quail fell to the ground, one dead, and the other with an injured wing. The injured quail streaked off on the ground to escape and the farmer gave his hand the order to send the dogs after the injured quail.

At that moment the farm received insight into his answer to the question his boss had asked him earlier in the year. With a great smile on his face he said to his boss, "now I can answer your question, Why is my life so troubled as a Christian?" He said, you see, "I was like those two quail!" He continued, "The dead one was like me, before I knew Jesus as my savior, I was dead in sin. The injured one, trying to fly away from death, is me today, trying to fly to heavenly glory here on earth. That ole devil, don't need to send his dogs after the dead ones, because he knows they are already his. He sends his dogs after the one's struggling here on earth, trying to fly to heaven."
adapted from "Why is my life troubled as a Christian?"

I have been a christian throughout the 19 years of my life and I truly thank God for His unconditional love and salvation. Yet, as I grow in age as well as spiritually, I find it harder and harder to love God with all I am. Apart from the many other things in life that are distracting me and taking away my time and affection, I realised that there are more hardships and pain in life. And being a sinful human being, I honestly do not have the absolute faith to trust God in all circumstances.

When all things fail me and my prayers are unanswered, I can't help but ask "God, where are you?" I know that God has His own perfect plan and that when the appropriate time comes, He will give unto us the best. Yet, when He remains silent, it is so difficult for me to remain patient and wait on Him.

Perhaps I am feeling this way only because I am not strong in my faith. But I would prefer to think that all humans think this way when troubles come their way. Alright, maybe not ALL. Job, for one, remained faithful even when he is forsaken. So did Paul and Christ Jesus. And their troubles are definitely a thousand times greater than what I have experienced or are experiencing. Yet, I am sorry, I am not as staunt as they are.

Still, I am comforted by the story above of the dead and living quails. Well, perhaps the fact that I am facing troubles prove that I am moving in the right direction? Is that why I am tempted and taunted by Satan? Haha...

Either way, I know that God has never promised that being a christian, our lives would be a bed of roses. He never promised that He would protect us from troubles. But one thing I do know is that He will be there to bring me through. That I know for sure...

2009-07-30T11:47:00.002+08:00

I know it's only late July -- too early to write reflections for the year. Yet, I can't help but remark that 2009 is a really surreal year for me. So much have happened these past months that to some extent, I really wished that this is but a dream.

I began the year with my teaching internship. I stayed on in the school for 5 long months. 600 days of my life...but I left without leaving a single trace. No, I am not good with words, thus, I find it extremely difficult to describe my thoughts exactly. It's like I spent such a long time doing things that do not have a specific long-term impact:(

Either way, I completed my teaching internship, rested for a month or so before I participated in the various pre-departure courses conducted by MOE. I met a new group of friends in Suisen during OBS:) They are really nice, fun-loving people and I truly enjoyed their company during subsequent courses and programmes. Unfortunately, before long, we would each be moving on to further our studies in different parts of the world. I believe I have made similar comments before and I making it once again: Why are there meetings if parting is inevitable?

In exactly one month's time, I will be on my way to China, starting on yet another journey in my life. I admit that there are feelings of excitement and anticipation. Yet, I also cannot deny the fact that the uncertainties of the future struck much fear and trepidation within me. As it is, I am a person who is very resistant to changes. Hence, a total change in environment, school and the people surrounding me will pose a huge challenge to me. And this brings me back to the fundamental question: Why did I ever want to go Beijing? For the past month, I thought I had gotten over the stage of self-doubt. I was beginning to see some hope and experience some excitement over the brand new experience. Yet, today, something Mum said sparked the process of questioning within me again. No, I don't blame her, nor Dad, nor anyone else, for making me feel this way. In fact, I felt guilty towards them. If I had stayed on in Singapore, my loved ones might not have to face the emotional stress and burden. I feel extremely unfilial to not stay by my parents' side when they are already getting old. And it certainly didn't help when I read a touching book citing how parents always give their best to their children while children only think of them when in need:/

It's times like these when I really wish God will allow me to foresee the future. I really need the assurance that everything will turn out fine. That I will come back 4 years' later with the knowledge I seek, the wisdom from God to make wise choices and the morals to do what is right in His eyes. I really need God to assure me that my parents will live healthily and happily without me by their sides, that my family grow firmly in Christ's love and that my friends and loved ones will rest safely in God's merciful and loving arms....

Yet, will God tell me all these? will I be silent enough to hear His whispers???

One Way-Hillsong Lyrics

2009-07-24T10:57:00.001+08:00

DRAW ME CLOSE TO YOU

2009-07-24T10:52:00.001+08:00

With All I Am (By Hillsong)

2009-07-24T10:50:00.001+08:00

Hillsong From The Inside Out

2009-07-24T10:41:00.001+08:00

Mighty to save - Hillsong

2009-07-24T10:39:00.001+08:00

失望。绝望。奢望

2009-07-19T23:21:00.002+08:00

也许失望也是一种幸福
因为有所盼望
所以才会感到
失望

如果哪一天
我不再为着你的冷漠
悲伤
那是意味着
我真的放下了
抑或我已经对你
绝望

倘若你不曾在乎
为何我仍要苦苦纠缠
没有承诺
毫无约定
我所守候着的
难道只是一种
奢望

2009-07-18T17:13:00.002+08:00

The month of July has been a busy month. On most days, we are attending pre-departure courses in MOE. Personally, I think the courses are quite interesting. Especially the cooking class, where we get to cook dishes like spaghetti. I think we kind of screwed up the dishes but it was fun:D
There is only the induction course and rehearsals left before the actual TSPC. After that, I will get to stay at home for a few weeks before flying off. I admit that I do feel certain degree of excitement but at the same time I also feel uncertain and worried. I just pray that everything will turn out fine.

2009-07-14T16:46:00.002+08:00

1.5 months more and I am leaving SG. Yet, there are still many paper works and admin stuff I have not cleared. For one, my accomodation is still not settled. XY and I had requested to stay in the hostel together but apparently, we are still not guaranteed a place yet. Then there is the CGS which I dont know if I will be able to get (due to late submission of application etc) And of course there are others like visa application, ticket reservation etc etc:(

Then there are the minor things which serves to irritate me now and again. Perhaps it's still a little too early for me to pack but I realise there are many things I want to bring over with me. I have been told that it's very easy to buy stuff over there but somehow, I still feel like bringing everything over. Afterall, some things can be bought but the feeling's different. For instance, my cuddle toy. I am very much undecided on whether or not I should bring my darling pooh bear over. I am afraid I will spoil it if I stuff it into my luggage. Mum suggested I hug it onto the plane but it's too embarassing la-.-" On the other hand, I can just buy another bear there but the feeling's so much different. Opps, perhaps I should be more bothered with the official things and not these trifle matters? But i believe it's these small little things that will really help in getting me to settle down there. Sigh, I think I am contradicting myself. So typical of me, always procrastinating...

alright enough of my study trip; that shall wait. This Sunday, Trinity Methodist Church is organising an outreach programme (19/7, 8 pm to 10pm). I dont know why but I feel extremely excited about it. Somehow, I feel that this is going to be one special ocassion where the Lord will shower His blessings upon our church. Afterall, we weren't the ones who invited the pastor but He himself actually volunteered to come for such an event:)) Hence, I am positive that the Lord has a special plan for our church on this day. Anyway, I sent smses out to several of my friends and teachers to invite them to come for the activity. Sadly, most of them did not reply. And those who did reply either couldn't make it or were undecided. I sincerely pray that they will come eventually. That shall be my birthday wish this year: that my friends and loved ones can come for the event and receive the Lord as their personal Lord and Savior. Yet, in all these things, may His will be done.

2009-07-07T16:41:00.003+08:00

I proudly declare that I have been through OBS and survived:)) Though it was extremely tiring physically, I thank God for my watch members who were really smart and nice and supportive and encouraging...I also want to thank the Lord for answering ALL my prayers during the entire week. I really couldn't imagine how I would go through it without the Lord's grace.

All in all, the OBS was a very fun and new experience. And I believe all of us have benefitted from it in one way or another..

On a sidenote, I received the freshman's guide from PKU yesterday. Apparently, registration is on 5 Sept. Hence, I have decided to postpone my date of departure to sometime later, probably late Aug or early Sept. As such, I will still be around for quite some time:))

Even though everything is pretty much finalised now, there are still times when I really wonder why on earth did I choose to go study overseas. I talked to some of my other friends and am glad to discover that I am NOT alone in feeling this way. I just pray that everything will turn out alright and that I will be able to come back here with my degree. And I pray that the Lord will be with my family and take care of my loved ones while I am not here by their sides.

All right, I shall not get carried away. Like mentioned, I still have a one and a half months here. I shall leave the emo-ing to some other time then...

2009-06-26T13:49:00.000+08:00

1
洪水翻腾
惊涛骇浪
徘徊在生命的边缘
死亡
成了我迫切的希望

2
人生如戏
戏如人生
重复着的悲欢离合
试问
何日才能走到尽头

3
嘶声呐喊
静默无语
任何方式都道不尽
心中
郁结已久的无助感

2009-06-26T13:18:00.002+08:00

Caiyun is on the verge of breaking down. Yes, I admit that I have a very low emotional quotient; I am not strong enough to withstand much stress. Yet, recently, everything's going in the opposite direction from the way I want them to. Of course, the scholarship and the preparation to go Beijing is a very heavy component of my distress..but it certainly isn't the only thing I am facing.

I know sometimes it's really because I cant let go of things. Many of my problems and unhappiness are self-inflicted. Even then, though I know the crux of my problem, there is nothing much I can do to change the way I perceive things. I mean, if I were to find an inspirational or self-motivation book now, it would probably suggest something like "if you cant change the world, change the way you see things"..Yeah, it's so much easier said than done. If I could do that, I probably wouldn't be feeling unhappy at all.

But the truth is, I do feel very unhappy. All of a sudden, there are many things waiting for me to do. Most of the things I have never ever tried doing before. Perhaps that is the process to growing up, to learning. But it is so painful:(
And I feel so helpless...

Oh Lord, please do not forsake me when I need You most. I know I will falter, I know I will cry, I know there are times when I feel weak and I lack faith, please strengthen me and save me from my own destruction. When Satan mocks and all things seem to be out to make me lose control, please wrap me in Your embrace and keep me safe in Your arms.

2009-06-23T15:06:00.002+08:00

It's been some time since I applied for my scholarship. All these while, I have been busy with internship and other things and the idea of going to study overseas hadn't really sunk in. Until today, when I went for the meet-up session with MOE, did it really occur to me that I am going to be away for 4 years.

To add to the apprehension, I was shocked to realise that I am going to be very much on my own. To elaborate on that, after the 1 month's courses and induction programmes, MOE will not bother with us too much. In other words, we are required to board the plane, find our own accomodation and survive on our own!!!

All of sudden, I feel very lost and afraid. I still have a VERY VERY vague idea of what Uni life is all about and I am clueless about where I can find accomodation and all:(:(

I hadn't met any other scholars who are going to Beijing to study as yet. Hopefully I will be able to find some during the programmes planned and I pray that I can get along with them.

I know this is so NOT the time for regrets and all but I really cannot understand WHY IN THE WORLD DID I APPLY TO GO BEIJING TO STUDY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even then, I know that I have made the choice and I can only go along with it. May the good Lord continue to be with me and guide me.

Sigh.

2009-06-17T14:37:00.000+08:00

Today is one of my "unlucky" days, or rather "bad-hair days", but thankfully, God made it relatively ok:)
Sometime during mid-night, I was awakened by an acute pain in the abdominal. Since it was quite often that I have abdominal pains at night, I tried to continue sleeping. But the pain was really bad that I cannot go back to sleep. I began to search my first-aid box for my medicines. After popping the pills, I laid on the bed for some time before falling asleep again.

Then this morning, when I woke up, the pain was still there but not as severe anymore. Drink a glass of hot milk and made my way to The Signature for my psychological interview. I thought I could get there within 1 hour's time, but apparently I was wrong!! The time for my interview came and went and I decided to fetch a cab there. Unfortunately, the uncle said that he was unsure where the building was also:( Thankfully, when we reached there, I managed to ask a lady who kindly directed me to the place:))

The interview took about an hour or so...I dont really like it. Well, is there any interviews that I like? NO!
Then on my return journey, silly me actually missed my stop:(

Haha, so that about concludes my not-so-smooth-sailing day. But overall, I still thank God for the kind souls He prepared along the way to help me:)

2009-06-13T21:58:00.002+08:00

Hmm, time passes really fast. The four days writing camp is over. Overall, the camp was great, nice food, nice environment and having my friends with me:)) However, I feel kinda bad because I think we didn't really help out much and we offended quite alot of pple there:(

I shall just dwell on the good things here. Firstly, the key-note speaker was a writer from taiwan. She really impresses me with her travel experiences. The photos she took made me really want to go visit the places myself!! So, henceforth, my new goal in life is to travel around the world to experience the different cultures:DD

Then there is the Kangxi exhibition where we (facilitators) had to explain the exhibits to the students; it was a bit scary but very meaningful and fun:)

And of course, there is the talk by Yang Jun Wei. I REALLY REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT!! haha. I was telling tuzi and da jie da that I really admired him, and they actually helped me to ask Mr Ng to ask Yang Jun Wei for his autograph. On my, that was embarassing-.-

Then on our last night there, the five of us (or rather 4 since djd slept on the chairs) cramped into two beds to play card games and chat. I cant imagine we actually stayed up till almost 3am. Woke up at 6 plus in the morning, went for breakfast, collected the keys and attended the last lecture. By evening, I was so tired the room was spinning. Haha.

All in all, I am grateful for the opportunity to spend the few days with my good friends and the things I learnt during the camp:)

2009-06-06T19:04:00.003+08:00

I seriously think time wheezes past when you will it to move slower. And the opposite is true. I can't imagine one full week of hol's already gone.

For the very first time in my life, I can say with ABSOLUTE certainty that I LOVE holidays. I mean, in the past, holidays aren't really holidays with the heaps of homework and the countless tests that are constantly weighing on our minds. But this time is TOTALLY different. I dont have to worry a thing about due dates or tests or exams or ANYTHING! I am going by my own schedule. I am finally doing the things I had wanted to do but kept putting off before. For a start, I am exercising (ok, not the real vigorous type of exercise but it's a great feat considering my sedantary lifestyle for the past few months!) I am reading (and getting obsessed with vampires, you may alr guess what book I am currently reading;)) I went shopping and "wasted" money on lots of food and clothes which I may not wear, hahs. I am trying to learn German but making VERY slow progress...

All in all, my time has been fruitfully spent recently. I think it will be better if I can have the inspiration to write. I hadn't been writing for quite some time (by writing, I mean in CHINESE!) But for now, I am learning to be contented and to be grateful to God for all that He has bestowed upon me:)

千年緣

2009-06-06T05:14:00.001+08:00

I like this alot:) Nice song and classic excerpts from The Condor Heroes 2006 ver:)

2009-06-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

I am in an extremely good mood today, Thank you Lord:) Hence, I shall blog about my life this week.

As it is, my internship had ended, it's the school holidays and I am FREE!!:DD
On Monday, I woke up early in the morning to go jogging. It's been so so (x1000) long since I last exercised. I am surprised I could still trudge my heavy body along:) Haha~ Then in the afternoon, I tidied my room abit while chatting online with KX and HC:) The beauty of multi-tasking, so they say.

Then yesterday, I went SGH for my second medical check-up. The nurse there said that I have to do the X-ray again 'cause China only recognizes the report from SGH. So I went through the blood test, X-ray and everything AGAIN. But the nurses and doctor there were really nice (at least they bothered to distract me by chatting with me during the tests so that I am not that nervous:))Then I went with Mum and Wilfred to eat lunch. Then I went to a place that's so...I never EVER want to go again. After that, I went with Mum and WIlfred to eat waffle:) Then at night, went with Wilfred and Dad to Macs to eat ice-cream. Actually I only wanted to go with Wilfred but Dad insisted on going, so we went together. Haha. We had almost finished the food when a group of ZHSS students (from the class I taught previously) entered. haha, serangoon's really an easy place to meet pple:)

TODAY!:) went jogging in the morning, then went to find Yang Lin to get the book for da jie da. In the afternoon, I met up with HC, HJ, WY and went to Asian Civilisation Museum for the Kangxi exhibit:)) It's really nice, so MUST GO:) After that, HJ treated us to ice-cream:) then we started taking photos all the way from raffles place to city hall, to bugis:) On the way, we went Popular and I met Mr Ong there:) So, I guess serangoon's not the only place to meet pple:) haha. Then we went shopping a little at bugis junction and went home:) Had a very sumptious dinner at home (i was really hungry)..haha. So that about concludes the day.

I pray that the rest of the week and the months will be so fun-filled as well:))

2009-06-01T21:32:00.002+08:00

为什么放弃我会是如此容易的事？
为什么将所有的包袱压缩在身上？
我理解你的痛、你的伤，
可我不是圣人
无法无私地
任你呼之则来
唤之则去

为什么撇下我能是这么轻易的决定？
为什么让所有的哀伤沉淀在心里？
我竭力活出你眼中的我
可我厌倦了
不想再当你的
钟无艳
承受着你的
忽冷忽热

2009-05-30T22:09:00.002+08:00

I was having high fever today. It's kind of inexplicable because I was feeling really ok last night and even today, I feel perfectly fine. Except for the high temperature and a little tiredness.

Mum says it may be because of the side-effect of the injection I had yesterday:/ I am going for another check-up next week. I just hope they don't give me anymore weird injections and make me sick:(

On a sidenote, I am still a little feverish but the temperature's dropped alot, thank God:)

A new chapter in life.

2009-05-28T20:56:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow marks the last day of my internship. And with that, I close yet another chapter in my life and move on to the next. My internship had been considerably pleasant, although there are some times when I feel a little lost and confused but I thank God for the many nice people there from whom I could ask for help. I apologise for being so anti-social sometimes(though I think none of them would see this), I am just not used to talking to people I am unfamiliar with:( Still, I know from the occasional conversations with them, the way they treat one another that they are all very nice people:))

I dont know what the next chapter in my life would be like but I am convinced that the Lord has His perfect plan:))

Also, I am going for medical check-up tomorrow afternoon. Thus, I have to go without food tomorrow:( I dont like medical check-ups! I used to think that it might be fun but now I think it's going to be quite troublesome..And the worse thing is I have to go through that twice in less than a week's time. Seriously I dont understand why they need me to do it twice:( But since that's the requirement, I shall just go along with them, but I am not going to do the X-ray twice-.-

That's all I have to write for today. Hope tomorrow will be a good day~

2009-05-27T15:22:00.002+08:00

2 MORE DAYS TO THE END OF MY INTERNSHIP!!
I cant say if I am happy or sad over the ending of my internship here. Initially, I had only planned to stay here for 6 weeks but eventually, I extended my stay to 5 MONTHS!!! I can't imagine I had spent five months in this school already. I seriously hope my colleagues and students aren't too bothered with my long stay here.

Anyway, like I was saying I never planned to stay so long here. As such, it never occurred to me that I would miss the place and the people here when I leave. Afterall, it usually takes me SUPER long to become emotionally attached to a place/people. But the fact is I had stayed here much much longer than I had thought I would and I actually feel abit "she bu de" now...

For most days over the past five months, I have been within the school compound, seeing the same faces each day..But now I am leaving and I may never step into the school again nor see any of the people there ever again, the feeling's a little weird.

Either way, I really thank every person that has contributed in making my internship a pleasant experience:) And I pray that the next two days will be spent fruitfully.

《想听的话》

2009-05-26T15:26:00.002+08:00

:慢慢把车窗摇下你在转角处等他

难过像打翻的茶昏开一整片对你的牵挂

:这场爱不会开花我清楚却割舍不下

明知你爱的是他却还是学不会摆脱这挣扎

:想听的话你说给了她我的快乐从此蒸发

如果痛是爱的代价那伤心像沙怎么画

:想听的话得不到回答我却还在独自装傻

雨打湿我的脸颊好让你看不见我眼角的变化

:这场爱不会开花我清楚却割舍不下

明知你爱的是他却还是学不会摆脱这挣扎

:想听的话你说给了他我的快乐从此蒸发

如果痛是爱的代价那伤心像沙怎么画

:想听的话得不到回答我却还在独自装傻

雨打湿我的脸颊好让你看不见我眼角的变化

:这场爱不会开花我清楚却割舍不下

明知你爱的是他你的笑始终舍不得擦

2009-05-23T22:14:00.002+08:00

I feel much better today. Thank you Lord.
May the Lord continue to be with me. May I stop wishing for things that are not meant to be. May I always be able to experience the simple joy and peace.
God bless.

2009-05-23T12:07:00.002+08:00

Went to church last night to give tuition as usual. The children were very restless yesterday since their exams are already over and they dont feel like doing work anymore. Then halfway through, William came and asked me when I am leaving for Uni. So I told him. My two kids heard me, and they started asking why I want to go China to study. They were very upset that I will be leaving them:(

I am glad that I had made a little impact on their lives. Though they are not those top-scoring students, the joy they have given me is tremendous. I am able to open up freely to them, to talk to them, play with them and teach them:)) I feel so proud of them when they boasted to me that they topped the class in a certain test or exam:DD

Especially during these few months when I feel really down, it's during the times I spent with them that I really see the purpose in my life. Their innocence really brings a smile to my face:)

I thank God for the opportunity to teach them. I thank God for these children, for their obedience, for their innocence, for their fun-loving nature, for their truthfulness, for everything they are...

To Aziemah and Rafiqin, I will miss the both of you very much. Continue to study hard and be sure I will call to check on you..Haha:))

2009-05-22T22:48:00.002+08:00

Free-IQTest.net - Online IQ Test

Haha, for some unknown reasons, I actually did the IQ test. I am not sure if it's accurate but i just did for the fun of it:) Overall, it was quite interesting guessing the options.

2009-05-22T08:41:00.002+08:00

I am on leave today. Actually I had really wanted to go school since they are going to NY for sports carnival. But I have something on later so I cant be there:(

Anyway, just to update on my life a little. This past week (esp the past weekend) was hellish. In retrospect, though there were some unhappy things happening, there wasn't much cause for me to be depressed. Yet, I feel very empty and upset. I dont know why but there are always times when I feel a void within me which nobody and nothing can fill. It's like no matter what I do, no matter what others do, I will still feel hollow. I cant see the meaning to things, and I feel extremely bored with life.

I really need to look forward to something. Something that can make me excited and enthusiastic at the thought of it. Yet, I cant seem to find one such thing. There's the one-day tour with church, the global prayer day, writing camp, induction courses and stuff...but none seems to hold that special meaning to me:(((

Sometimes I feel so irritated with myself. Why cant live life without thinking so much. There's so much I want to question but no one is there to provide me with the answers. Perhaps, when I die, the Lord will explain things to me ba. It may sound unpleasant, but seriously, death is the only one thing that can make me really look forward to. [No, I am not being suicidal, just gan kai-ing.]

2009-05-21T08:27:00.001+08:00

随笔创作：《刻骨铭心的偶然》

在一次偶然
你如想象般闯入我的人生
那是毫无防备的邂逅
却注定了我要以悲伤偿还

你潇洒来去
根本无须在乎我们的相遇
我却用仅剩的泪水
浸湿我们共同走过的土地

短暂的聚首后，
你也许会将我永远地忘记
而我用一生的记忆
镶上我们的过去…

Just realised i wrote a similar "poem" two years back. Personally i prefer the one i wrote back then. Shows that my chinese has deproved:((

一次不期然的邂逅
决定了我数日的茫然
平静的心湖
再度泛起了涟漪

我知道这是一个没有结局的开始
甚至在未开始前已经结束
但心中的激荡
却叫我无法平息　

如果打从一开始就已经注定
那我宁愿不曾邂逅你
美丽的错误背后
隐藏了无奈的悲伤

如果打从一开始我就要失去
那我宁愿不曾拥有
失败的辉煌背后
隐含了无数的沧桑

2009-05-20T09:01:00.003+08:00

Interview with God

I love this. Though I know that it's not quite possible for a man to have an interview with God, I think the conversation is really true. Read it if you are free:) but you can ignore my comments in brackets.

I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"Come in" God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; What questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered:

"That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again." (yeah, I remember I used to wish that I can grow up faster, in fact sometimes I still do. But yet, there are times when I just want to dump everything and be a child again.)

"That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health."

"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. " (I can't agree more on this. Being a person slow to adapt to changes, I always find myself thinking of the past, worrying for the future, living for everything except the present:d)

God's hands took mine and we were silent for awhile and then I asked...

"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God replied with a smile:

"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives. "(yes, often it's the people that stay by us. Yet, there are times when people fail us too, just like we, too, will disappoint others.)

"To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings."
(I like this. It's not always easy to realise that, esp. when we are feeling low, we tend to think that everything and everyone is against us. The feeling of self-worthlessness:( )

"To learn that money can buy everything but happiness. " (I once read a quote which I think is very true, it's in chinese but the meaning is something like: dont be so poor such that all you have is money.

"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different. "(So we have to respect people's views and ideas)

"To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them...and likes them anyway. "(yes but it seems so difficult. It is difficult enough to find someone who truly understands you, and to find someone who can accept and stand by you under all circumstances, that seems impossible, for me at least. To find such a friend. That's my prayer since I am old enough to understand the word 'friend'. Thus far, I have yet to really find one. There are friends that are true enough but none that I can totally open my heart too:( sigh)

"To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."

I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied,

"Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer." (Praise the LORD:))

祢讓我生命改變

2009-05-19T14:35:00.001+08:00

2009-05-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

THE ROCK:))

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did; day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might.

Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, the Enemy decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind:

"You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it." Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough." And that is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half an inch. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push.

And now you come to me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself...Your arms are strong and muscled, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done.

Now I, my friend, will now move the rock."

2009-05-18T21:27:00.000+08:00

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

2009-05-18T14:56:00.003+08:00

Oh dear, I am in a lousy mood again today. I am so sick of my mood swings:(( But I am really not that noble to be unaffected by the things happening around me. I dont know if it's because I am looking at the surrounding through my own sadness, but somehow, I feel that everyone, everything is so upsetting. All in all, these few days are really bad. I hope things will get better soon...

2009-05-17T15:58:00.002+08:00

Praise the Lord! Indeed, I want to sing Him a hymn of praise for His faithfulness to me. Once again, He has guided me through another difficult phase in life.

I have to admit that I was really miserable yesterday. I couldn't experience a tinge of peace. I tried to find friends whom I could talk to, but after a few words, I grew impatient with myself and chose to remain silent.

Yet, the Lord was kind to me. Today, for the first time since I entered this church, there was an altar call towards the end of the service. The pastor called for us to go up and pray for the Holy Spirit to fill us. In the past, I would never have the courage to go up front. But today, I actually took the step forward. When the pastor prayed, I started sobbing and then cried so hard. I felt weak and began to fall back. Then my study group leader came and prayed for me while I just cried on and on. it was a little embarrassing to be crying in front of others but I must really say I feel so much better after that. I felt peace and joy. Yes, JOY!:))

Thank you, Lord. No matter what happens in life, no matter where I may be. Even when the world around me falls apart, I know You will be there beside me, to carry me through. With faith, I move on in life. Faith in the Lord's mercy and love. He who has not withheld even His only begotten Son from me, how much more will He give me the strength to meet Life's challenges. Praise the Lord on High:D

A long, long journey

2009-05-16T19:11:00.002+08:00

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you

I feel really really upset now. My mind is in a whirl. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to write. Yet, I am choosing the easy way out. To use the lyrics of this song to convey my thoughts and emotions. Yes, this is a long, long journey. And it gets tougher each step that I take, each second that goes by.

I would really give up everything to go back to the past. When things were so much simpler, or at least they seem so much simpler. I had nothing back then, yet I am happier and I feel like I have everything. I was able to enjoy a good relationship with the Lord, He answers all my prayers. Now, I call to Him but it seems like He isn't caring. I know He still does, deep down I know...Maybe He is allowing me to learn to be patient. And I know He still sends me many brothers and sisters in Christ to help me, but it's not the same.. No one really have the answers, except Him.

I spent my life seeking, for things that would make me happier. For a purpose, for a cause. Yet, the more I seek, the further away I am from the truth. Hadn't He written in the Scripture that there is no happiness, no meaning in life apart from Him? I realised how silly I had been. In this life's race, I ran with all my might, hoping to reach the end-point. Yet, the harder and faster I ran, the further I am from the destination. Then, I realised that this is but a maze. Only if we had God as the centre can we escape and persevere till the end. Otherwise, we get caught up by the concerns of this world, and lose our way, lose ourselves....

Oh Lord, listen to my pleas. Give us yet another chance to try out this race again. I know we will still falter, we will still get lost, but guide us Lord, that we may find our way back to You. When Satan mocks and everything gets out of hand, there is nothing I could do...I want to run away but I know escaping is not a solution. There is no place I can run to, there is no end. This is a race that I am enrolled into from the day of my birth. Many have ran the race, many have reached the destination. Just like the apostle Paul said, the saints are cheering us on. I know Satan will continue to mock, to ensnare, but I know the victory is the Lord's. In Christ, we will share in the victory.

It's a long, long journey. But I pray that the Lord will be with us. With God, I can do all things for He strengthens me...

A letter dedicated to You (you know who you are)

2009-05-15T23:30:00.003+08:00

I am really sorry. I never realised that you were going through so much. I never looked beyond the facade of your smiles to see the sorrow within:( Please forgive me for being so insensitive.

I know the words I said were harsh sometimes but trust me, I just wanted to knock some sense into you when I feel that you are going the wrong way. Seeing you so unhappy hurts me alot. And I would do anything I could to help you. Yet, there was nothing much I could do. I really dread my uselessness.

Even though I may not be able to understand all the time, I am willing to lend a listening ear. So please stop acting nonchalent in front of me. Stop putting up those strong fronts. If you really need to cry, let the tears flow. And I will cry with you, or be silent to let you sort through your thoughts.

No matter what happens, know that we always love you...Forever.

2009-05-15T08:43:00.002+08:00

I received the letter from MOE yesterday. It came as a little surprise for me. Previously I would open the letter box each day and be disappointed. However, yesterday, for some unknown reasons, my mum went to open the letter box instead. When she handed me my letters, it really didn't occur to me that that was the letter. Anyway, the point is, I received the letter, together with the very wordy information kit which I have not read. However, I have flipped through the pages and I don't think they mentioned when exactly we are leaving Singapore. I think it would most probably be around mid-August. Thus, I still have a couple more months here:))

Also, it brings me joy to write here that most of friends have been accepted into the courses of their choice. Da Jie Da had been accepted by NUS. Hj and I were so worried for her since she only applied for NUS and there wasn't any news. But, this morning, I was told that she had received the letter of acceptance. Thank God:) and congrats to her:) In addition, I am comforted to know that Fish is entering NUS with hj:)) We had planned to study in the same school, join the same CCA and all...yes, we already had our Uni life kind of planned. So, I felt really bad when I told hj that I would be going over to Beijing. But now that she and Fish are entering together, I feel happy for them:))

It's during times like these that I feel that time really flies. If my life had been a mountain, I always see University life as somewhere on the top. I know it is there somewhere but I cannot see it. Neither can I imagine myself reaching that part of my life. But in a twinkle of an eye, here I am...Hahs. I guess the feeling will get more realistic when I go for the induction course come July. Seriously I am very nervous and afraid to meet new people, people who may be staying with me for the next four years. I only pray that the Lord will continue to be with me and help me get along with the new people that I will be meeting.

So, with much anticipation and trepidation, I look forward to the new chapter in life...

2009-05-14T21:26:00.002+08:00

究竟要怎样才能学会真正放下，究竟要如何才可以不那么在乎？
前一秒刚刚下定决心要放弃，这一秒却还是按捺不住要关心。
明知道有些东西就是再执著也只能换来伤痛，但还是飞蛾扑火般地紧抓着不放。
时间真的是治愈伤口的良药吗？又或者只有另一次伤害能让人忘却这次的失望？
周而复始，何日才是尽头？

2009-05-14T11:04:00.000+08:00

她知道自己正在疏离，虽然觉得抱歉，但是这却是她唯一的防线。如果说伤害是难免的，她至少希望能将其减到最低点。在伤口上洒盐虽然会很疼，但却是治疗的不二法门。

June Checklist:))

2009-05-13T14:38:00.003+08:00

I am looking forward to June, as can be seen from my countdown timer over at the sidebar:)) There are many things which I wanted to do recently but have been putting off. I suppose that's me, I need to find a "whole number" day to start doing something new. By "whole number" day, I mean start of the week, start of the month, start of a term...something like that:)

As such, I am really looking forward to June. I am going to list down some of the things I want to do, lest I forget about them when June comes. I always say I am going to do something when a particular time comes but when the time is here, I forgot what I wanted to do:/ Hahs, so here goes:

(1) I need to tidy up my room!!! It's becoming more and more like a pig sty:( 'Cause the messier it is, the less motivation for me to put things in order. So I started chucking things here and there and the room gets messier each day:( Before Daddy complains, I think I better start tidying it up...

(2) Writing Camp!:D I am going for a writing camp at sports school with the LEP juniors as well as hua jie, tu zi and yan zi:)) hope we can have lots of fun (and learn lots of things:))

(3) I feel like going for some balloon sculpturing course. I think it's going to be useful since I want to volunteer to help children:)) If anyone's reading this post, and happens to know where I can learn it, pls let me know:)) Thank you:D

(4)I want to meet up with my friends to catch up. Been so long since I saw some of them...

(5) I hope to go for one-day tours with my family round Singapore:) Everyone's so busy these years, we haven been going out together. I miss the times when we went to the beach, parks and all...

That's all I can recall now. Looking at the list, actually, I dont have much things to do afterall. hahs. nevermind, I will take very long to do each task, so that my June will be 'meaningfully' occupied:))

2009-05-12T15:36:00.002+08:00

刚刚阅读到张小娴小说中的一句话：

浪子不是爱上你,浪子只是累了,遇到了枕头,想休息一下,然后再去流浪。

不愧是张小娴，总是能写出让我看了觉得悲伤的名句。

2009-05-12T08:04:00.002+08:00

This is going to be another post on Jin Yong again:) I watched 《神雕侠侣》for the (N+1)th time yesterday; I can see that my family members are real irritated by me. Hahas:) But I really like the show alot:DD

Watched the part when Yang Guo was young and how he went to Chongyang Mountain, and met Xiao Long Nv. Was touched by the part where they pledged to die for each other when Li Mo Chou threatened to kill only one of them. Yes, though I have watched it countless times, I am still touched by their love:)

Well, I guess that's what love's supposed to be like, isn't it? The willingness to make sacrifices, even if it meant sacrificing one's life. That is exactly the same love that Christ demonstrated to us isn't it? A pity that such love only exists in novels and shows nowadays..

Anyway, I am going to break record and watch the show thousand times until the DVD breaks. Haha. I am beginning to feel sorry for my family members:)

2009-05-10T20:43:00.002+08:00

Though I have only read the original text of 《雪山飞狐》(for exams purpose:/), I consider myself a big fan of Jin Yong. Well, actually, it's because I like his 《神雕侠侣》ALOT. Therefore, I will always watch those shows that are adapted from his novels. But one thing I really don't like about his novels is that most of the "bad" guys in them are actually good in nature. And I dont like it because I will be wishing that their evil schemes fail throughout the whole show but when they really die, I feel so sorry for them:( Below are some of the examples of the good "bad" characters:

(1)Mei Chaofeng. She is so cruel; she takes lives without battling an eyelid. Yet, she is so loyal to her husband and Master.

(2)Jinlun Fa wang. He is always trying ways to get rid of the Song dynasty. He is cunning and mean. And he always make things difficult for Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu!!!:( But he actually died trying to save Guo Xiang.

(3)Li Mo Chou. She is so strict with Lu Wushuang. But she has a maternal side when she is with Guo Xiang. And the reason why she died was 'cause she missed her senior so much that she thought she saw him in the flames. She actually walked right in the fire :(

and there are many many more examples. But what really prompted this post of mine is Ouyang Ke! He actually drank the poisoned wine from Mu Nianci despite knowing the fact that it is poisonous. The previous time I watched the show, I remember Ouyang Ke as a scheming, evil man, devoid of all emotions. But when I watched the show again this time round, I realised that he is actually very pitiful. All he wanted was for someone to really care for him but even that was difficult. Eventually, he even died because he chose to believe a person he loved...

Ok, i know i am being too absorbed in the shows. But I really feel so upset for him.

Aiya, why cant Jin Yong writes characters with clear-cut personalities?! Hmm...

2009-05-10T08:23:00.001+08:00

Wishing all mothers A VERY HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!:)
On this special occasion, I thank God once again for the creation of mothers, for their constant nagging (:S), for their love and for their contribution to the family:)

2009-05-09T14:37:00.003+08:00

I really thank God for my parents. Though there are times when I feel that they dont understand, they are there to give me good advices when I really needed them. I had a relatively good and long chat with my parents a few days back and I am surprised to find that I am not alone in what I am feeling. Apparently they went through the same emotional turmoil back then when they were growing up. Haha, and I actually thought that I alone am the only one having to go through all these-.- Seriously, I feel ashamed of myself.

My mother also pointed out to me how selfish and silly I had been. All I was concerned with were MY feelings, MY thoughts...Of course, it didn't occur to me at that time but now, in retrospect, I realised that yes, I had been blinded by MY OWN needs and MY own pride. I am really sorry to those I have hurt unintentionally due to my bad moods recently.

I understand that in life, there are bound to be moments when we feel upset or being let down. I also realise that the more knowledge and wisdom we gain, the more depressed we feel, especially when we come across more injustice and unfairness. But at least, at this instant, I am contented to just have my family and friends with me.

2009-05-07T16:24:00.002+08:00

I feel much much better now:)
This is the list of things I did to rescue myself from the mire of depression:
(1) I jogged for half an hour.
(2) Climbed the stairs to highest storey of my flat. Thought through things while enjoying the scenery and breeze.
(3) Cried "a little"; prayed alot.
(4) Read the Bible, prayed some more.
(5) and decided that I will just live life to the fullest. I will try my best, irregardless of what others say. They can say what they want, I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!! It's a pity they cant appreciate my efforts. It's a shame they look at the results and not the hard work.

Anyway, I can't live to please everyone. So I am not going to try to do that. I just ask for a clear conscience, to be able to answer to God and myself. As for the others, sorry if you think I am stupid, if you think I am not good enough to match your standards. You will have to adjust your standards, or look the other direction...

2009-05-07T08:54:00.001+08:00

I hate to admit it, but I think I am being depressed again. Perhaps it’s because I am born emotional, but if this goes on, I think I need to go for counseling. Haha, and one of my ambitions was to become a counselor. The ironies of life, so they say.

I wonder if I am alone in this, or do all people experience such feelings of self-worthlessness at one point or another in their lives. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I can’t change the things I want to change. I tried, I really did. For the years I have been alive, I have worked really hard…to become the person that I should be. But I am beginning to wonder if this is really me. Moreover, I realized that no matter what I do, it’s futile. It would never be enough. I know I should stop living for others and start living a life of my own. Yet, I am affected what is being said. Or what is being left unsaid, but hinted.

Daddy used to say that I don’t act my age. He said I am too childish, too immature. Perhaps I really am, or maybe I am not what he perceived me to be. There are some things which I have never mentioned, some things I tried mentioning but no one seems to understand. And some things that I will never disclose…ever…to anyone. Yet, each time he complained that I should grow up, I would smile and tell him, I don’t want to. That’s the truth. I don’t want to grow up. Because once a person grew up, he/she would never be able to experience the true joy of children ever again. There are many things in this world that is better left unknown. There are things which I don’t want to know And in such cases, I think ignorance is really bliss.

I really miss the days when I was but a baby. Although I may not be able to do a lot of things then, I could cry and be comforted, I could laugh and others would join in the laughter. I don’t have to care what people said, I don’t have to live up to people’s expectations. I could be me!

But now, now that I have grown up, I could finally buy some of the things I have always wanted to buy. I could have the freedom to go to places I had always wanted to go. But the joy is no longer there. In times of success, I have a crowd of people around me, who insincerely sing praises when all I need is a nod of approval. In times of failure and pain, I have a group of people who are all ready to pin-point my mistakes when what I needed most is a word of comfort, an assurance that everything will be alright.

So, that’s life. The paradox of life. Isn’t it funny how we want to grow up when we were young and yet, when we do grow up, we would have given up everything just to go back to the past? If this is what life is all about, seriously, I hate it!!

Emotional Fatigue

2009-05-06T10:24:00.001+08:00

I am really tired, emotionally…
Had they objected right from the start, I would never have made the decision I did. Yes, I have my own dreams and aspirations but if I have to make a choice between human relationships and my future I would have chosen the former.

But they had remained silent all along. Through my application process, my interviews…they didn’t mention a word of disapproval. Yet, now that everything’s confirmed, they are blaming me for my decision.

Yes, I do understand their angst and I truly appreciate their love and concern. But I am not noble enough to accept the fact that they had thought that I was kidding when I said I am going. Can’t they even tell the difference between a joke and a fact? Can’t they see that I am serious? Don’t they know by now that I will do what needs to be done when I said I would?

And the truth is, they know that no matter what they do now, I wouldn’t go back on my decision. It’s simply too late! Not that I don’t care about them. In fact, the truth is I do care, so much. That’s the reason why I feel so tired. Because I care for them and yet, there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate to be the cause of their worry. I have always checked my own behavior to ensure that I am their pride and joy and not a reason for them to feel upset. Paradoxically, I have hurt them the most when I made an achievement; at least it is an achievement in the eyes of some.

Honestly, I am angry with them. I have never really been angry with anyone. Because I always experience hurt before anger. And now, I realized that when I do feel angry, the hurt is tremendous. Perhaps, they are going to be the first and only ones that can make me feel such anger. And pain. Simply because I care. All emotions only exist because people care…too much.

2009-05-06T08:46:00.004+08:00

所有的逃避，源自恐惧，而恐惧不过是我们忘不掉、面对不了、放不下的过去。--摘自《早报。逗号。博客一闪》

刚刚在阅读报章时，偶然看到了以上这段文字，因为有所感触，因此便摘了下来。

的确，我们所以逃避，很多时候是因为我们害怕，没有勇气面对。而我们所害怕的，又往往是一段无法忘怀的经历、岁月，这段回忆可能是痛苦的，恐怖的，也可能是美好的，刻骨铭心，但它们有一个共同点：不堪回首。它们象征的是我们内心深处最隐秘、最柔弱的一面，因此我们不敢将它们袒露，担心一旦被他人发现，就会显出伤痕。

也许，时间是这类恐惧的最佳解药。时间能让一切淡然，让人遗忘。直到时间成熟，千万不要努力去遗忘，因为真正的遗忘是不需要努力的；越是努力忘怀，越是亿起。这，是我的经验之谈。

2009-05-05T08:54:00.003+08:00

Readers (if any) pls just ignore this post. I just needed a space to write and in writing, think.

也许打从一开始这就是一个错
我早该走的
甚至我根本不应该来
但事实是
我来了
造成了自己和对他人的伤害

也许我是应该相信宿命
既然注定了
复驾言兮焉求？
勉强得到的
不是幸福
只是刻骨铭心的悲哀

也许我不会奢求
如果没有曾经
但尝过了甜头
又能有谁
愿意再度接受沉默

也许是时候放弃
不属于我的东西
我不要觊觎
放手
还自己以自由

2009-05-04T21:46:00.002+08:00

The day's almost over and I conclude that this is one of the worst days I have had this year. Though nothing really bad has happened, I experience no peace. I cant really put my feelings into words but I just feel very uneasy. Just pray that tomorrow will be better...

2009-05-04T13:11:00.002+08:00

I feel kind of weird today; a little confused, abit lost. It's like everything's not in place. The day seems so chaotic, with the students having their mid-year exams, the twice daily temperature-taking exercise and so on.

Maybe I am just being paranoid but I keep having the ominous feeling that something bad is going to happen today:(

All in all, today's a bad day. I mean, there is the saying "monday blues" but somehow, today is one of the worst Mondays I have ever had.

2009-05-02T18:46:00.002+08:00

I was reading the papers just now and I came across this article about how a lawyer helped the murderer cum kidnapper escape the death sentence twice. I felt really indignant. When i finished reading the article, I walked to the kitchen and said to my parents matter-of-factly:
"I think lawyers who help bad people are so mean. I don't like them."

"ok...but they are just trying to make a living," my parents answered.

"I know, but cant they turn down bad people and help only the innocent victims? How can they sell their souls for monetary gains?!!"

"Yes, but what makes you think that the bad people are really bad? I mean, they could have been wronged...or maybe, they are really remorseful and would turn over a new leaf when given the chance?"

And that struck a chord within me. Yes, I don't know and I probably wouldn't. That reminds me of what someone told me recently, that there could be rogue policeman, lawyers, people we perceive as "good" and on the other hand, there could also be upright gangsters and so on. And often, it is seemingly impossible for us to judge a person's intentions.

At this point, I have to admit that I am person who doesn't really have very good judmental skills or critical thinking skills. Thus, I was really taken aback by my parent's answer.

My father went on to ask me, if I were a doctor(an occupation that is often seen to be noble and great), would I save a dying person who has committed a heinous crime(say murder, rape or similar crimes). Without much hesitation, I answered "yes". I thought that was an easy enough question. Afterall, I am only doing my job as a doctor to save life and that doesnt mean I am condoning the criminal for his wrongdoing. He would still have to face the music, wouldn't he?

"What if he was planning to carry out another massive killing? You could've stopped him if you didn't save his life."

Ok, I guess his arguments weren't that strong and a smarter person would have been able to retort easily. But definitely not me. Like I said, I am not one who is able to argue fluently. Moreover, I got the point that he was driving at.

I don't know if I am making sense here, but what I am trying to say is that in life, there are really no definite "right" or "wrong". And honestly, I don't like that very much. I remember a few years back, I spoke to my teacher about people's appearance and personality. I was telling him how nice it would be if people's intention are written all over their face. How easy it would be if people can have a banner on their head to show what they are really thinking. I realise now, of course, how childish and silly I had been. But even now, I still wish that there would be a way to really understand what people are up to.

After this long post, I still couldn't decide if the lawyer was right in helping the seemingly "bad" person. If there's something I gathered, it would be that I had better keep away from law. I am just not suited for it...

2009-04-30T08:20:00.002+08:00

I received a phone call from MOE yesterday, informing me that I have gotten the scholarship. She explained that they are, however, unable to issue me the formal letter of offer as yet.

While I am really happy and excited that my dream had come true, I feel a tinge of anxiety and fear. Those who know me well may understand that I am not exactly a person who is highly independent. In fact, the furthest and longest I have been away from my parents is when I went for the Immersion trip to China for two weeks back then in J1. Ironically, that trip was the beginning of all these...

Most of my relatives and friends may have noticed that since young, I have always been very interested in Chinese. While most students my age dread chinese lessons, I always looked forward to them. Then in Sec 3, I chose to study Chinese Literature and that really made me even more interested in the subject. When I went on to JC, I took up the Chinese Language Elective Programme(LEP), got the LEP scholarship and got a fully sponsored trip to China Beijing and Shanghai. It was during this trip that I witnessed the beauty of the Beijing City and the glamour of Peking University. It was late autumn when we arrived there and the yellowish leaves made the school compound ever more charming. You could say it was love at first sight. That was when I started harboring the thought of studying overseas.

Before that, I would never have imagined myself leaving my home and my parents for so many years. You see, since young, all I ever hoped for was to enter any University, graduate, become a teacher, get married, give birth to children and be a 24/7 faithful wife and mother. It was only recently that I started to think of scholarships, of studying overseas and everything. When a Man starts to become ambitious, he ceases to be happy, so they say. I can't say I am not happy but I do know, however, that there's a price to pay for everything. Every little thing that we gain, we have to lose something to compensate.

And in this case, I wonder what exactly will I lose. I will be away for 4 years...No doubt I would be coming back every year but I will miss all the little things that my family and friends shared. Perhaps, when I return, I may never get to blend into their circle again. It may not be that bad for family, after all I believe they wont forget me, but friends? Seriously I am not so sure.

When I informed some of my closer friends of my decision, I was heart broken when they pleaded me to stay here. And I always thought that kinship and friendship are of utmost importance in my life. I hate to think of it this way, but somehow, I am giving up my loved ones for my so-called future, for glory!!!

Oh no, I can already feel my tears welling up, but I need to complete this post. I want to let my friends who are reading this know that, though I can't promise I will not change. Though I may really come back here speaking Chinese with the Chinese accent, though I may have different experiences from all of you, though we may be away for a few years, though....I will always be the Cai Yun that loves each and everyone of you. I will always remember you, miss you, keep you in prayers. And I am wishing that you will not forget me either.

4 years down the road, I hope that we can meet up and share about our different encounters and let there not be any awkward silence between us.

If you ask me, if I were given another chance, will I still apply to go Beijing. Seriously, I dont know but there is a high probability that I won't. But the fact is, I have made the choice, I have taken the step, be it right or wrong, I have to face the consequences. And right now, I can only pray with all my heart that human relationships can withstand the test of time and distance.

To all my loved ones, thank you for staying with me all these while. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the memories that will keep me alive in the coming years. I LOVE ALL OF YOU, ALWAYS...

2009-04-29T12:52:00.002+08:00

just read 张小娴's 《荷包里的单人床》, feels kinda sad. Somehow, I always feel sad after reading her books. Maybe not exactly sad, more of lost. Still, I like to read her books. I guess that's life, that's women, that's me. So ironic, so silly, so non-sensical~

Ok, though I sound kinda depressed, I am not that upset. I just hope some feelings can go away...soon. Hahs:))

Looking forward to this fri, to June, to...someday. Hahs.

2009-04-28T15:54:00.002+08:00

The weather is very gloomy today. Somehow I guess I am affected by it. I dont really like rainy days; it makes me sad.

I know, though I am not that proficient in Science, how rain is being formed. But somehow, deep down, I still believe that rain are tears of...i dunno who. And looking the rain makes me feel really emo, and made me want to tear as well. Hmm, I know I am being silly but i just dont like the gloom.

Either way, i think these few days hadn't been all that pleasant. There are several things which are making me upset but I shall not dwell on them here. I have been trying - yes, I am trying real hard, to remain optimistic. But it is proving to be more and more difficult each day.

I seriously need something I can look forward to. Something that is less controversial, something that is really pleasant and promising. Otherwise, life's abit too monotonous and upsetting. I am still waiting...for what? actually, I am not that sure anymore.

I realize most of my English posts dont really make sense. I guess I really need to improve my English expressions. But not now, no, not today. I am simply not in the mood to...

当你心情不好时…

2009-04-24T08:00:00.002+08:00

摘自http://www.duwenzhang.com
学会沉默

　　有时候，你被人误解，你不想争辩，所以选择沈默。本来就不是所有的人都得了解你，因此你认为不必对全世界喊话。却也有时候，你被最爱的人误解，你难过到不想争辩，也只有选择沈默。全世界都可以不懂你，但他应该懂，若他竟然不能懂，还有什么话可说?生命中往往有连舒伯特都无言以对的时刻，毕竟不是所有的是非都能条列清楚，甚至可能根本没有真正的是与非。那么，不想说话，就不说吧，在多说无益的时候，也许沈默就是最好的解释。

　　至少平静

　　在你跌入人生谷底的时候，你身旁所有的人都告诉你：要坚强，而且要快乐。坚强是绝对需要的，但是快乐?在这种情形下，恐怕是太为难你了。毕竟，谁能在跌得头破血流的时候还觉得高兴？但是至少可以做到平静。平静地看待这件事，平静地把其他该处理的事处理好。平静，没有快乐，也没有不快乐。

　　学会弯腰这会是我意外的收获

　　和别人发生意见上的纷歧，甚造成言语上的冲突，所以你闷闷不乐，因为你觉得都是别人恶意。别再耿耿于怀了，回家去擦地板吧。拎一块抹布，弯下腰，双膝着地，把你面前这张地板的每个角落来回擦拭干净。然后重新省思自己在那场冲突，所说过的每一句话。现在，你发现自己其实也有不对的地方了，是不是?你渐渐心平气和了，是不是?有时候你必须学习弯腰，因为这个动作可以让你谦卑。劳动身体的同时，你也擦亮了自己的心绪。而且，你还拥有了一张光洁的地板呢。这是你的第二个收获。

　　不要想如果当初

　　你说，人生是一条有无限多岔口的长路，永远在不停地做选择。如果只是选择吃炒面或炒饭，影响似乎不大，但选择读什么科系、做什么工作、结婚或不结婚、要不要有孩子，每一个选择都影响深远，而不同的选择也必定造就完全不一样的人生。你又说，生命中不可承受之情，就在于人生没有重来的机会啊。如果当初如何如何，现在就不会怎样怎样...这种充满怅然的喃喃自语，还是别再多说了吧。每一个岔口的选择其实没有真正的好与坏，只要把人生看成是自己。独一无二的创作，就不会频频回首如果当初做了不一样的选择。

　　努力吧不管成功与否至少曾经美丽

　　漫步林间，你看见一株藤蔓附着树干，柔软与坚实相互交缠，你感动于这静美的一幕。让幸福与归属就此驻足吧。你想。不知未来会有怎样一番风雨摧折？也许藤将断、树会倒，也许天会荒，地将老。你又想。那么，请时光停格在此刻吧。停格即是永恒。永恒里若有这静美的一刻，未来可能遭遇的种种劫难，便已得到了安慰与报偿。

　　保持单纯

　　因为思虑过多，所以你常常把你的人生复杂化了。明明是活在现在，你却总是念念不忘着过去，又忧心忡忡着未来；坚持携带着过去、未来与现在同行，你的人生当然只有一片拖泥带水。而单纯是一种恩宠状态。单纯地以皮肤感受天气的变化，单纯地以鼻腔品尝雨后的青草香，单纯地以眼睛统摄远山近景如一幅画。单纯地活在当下。而当下其实无所谓是非真假。既然没有是非，就不必思虑；没有真假，就无须念念不忘又忧心忡忡。无是非真假，不就像在做梦一样了吗?是呀，就单纯地把你的人生当成梦境去执行吧。

　　偶尔"俗气"...

　　吃多了健康食品，偶尔你也想啃一啃鸭舌头和盐酥鸡。看多了大师名剧，偶尔你也想瞄一瞄耳光摔不完眼泪掉不完的连续剧。听多了古典音乐，偶尔你也想唱一唱爱他一百年又恨他一他一万年的流行歌曲。你知道健康食品对健胃整肠有意义，大师名剧对培养气质有意义，古典音乐对提升性灵有意义，可是，偶尔你其实并不想让自己时时刻刻活得那么有意。人生不需要把自己绑得那么紧。偶尔的小小放纵，是道德的。灵气充满或许接近大人，但偶尔的俗气会更平易近人。

　　控制情绪别浪费了~

　　今天的你，是不开心的你，因为有人在言语间刺伤了你。你不喜欢吵架，所以你离开；可是你只是离开了那，却没有离开被那人伤害的情境，因此你愈想愈生气。愈有气，你就愈没有力气去理会别的事情，许多更该用心去做去想去处理的事件，就在你漫天漫地的心烦意乱之中，被轻忽被漠视被省略了。因为，你只是一心一意地在生气。在情绪上做文章，这是对自己的浪费，而且是很坏的浪费。毕竟，生气也是要花力气的，而且生气一定伤元气。所以，聪明如你，别让情绪控制了你，当你又要生气之前，不妨轻声地提醒自己一句：“别浪费了。”

　　抓住最好的时机绝不错过

　　你曾经买了一件很喜欢的衣裳却舍不得穿，郑重地供奉在衣柜里；许久之后，当你再看见它的时候，却发现它已经过时了。所以，你就这样与它错过了。你也曾经买了一块漂亮的蛋糕却舍不得吃，郑重地供奉在冰箱里；许久之后，当你再看见它的时候，却发现它已经过期了。所以，你也这样与它错过了。没有在最喜欢的时候上身的衣裳，没有在最可口的时候品尝的蛋糕，就像没有在最想做的时候去做的事情，都是遗憾。生命也有保存期限，想做的事该趁早去做。如果你只是把你的心愿郑重地供奉在心里，却未曾去实行，那么唯一的结果，就是与它错过，一如那件过时的衣裳，一如那块过期的蛋糕。

　　偶尔的出离轨道

　　某次你搭火车打算到A地去，中途却忽然临时起意在B地下了车。也许是别致的地名吸引了你，也许是偶然一瞥的风景触动了你，总之，你就这样改变了本来预定的行程，然后经历了一场充满惊奇的意外旅行。A地是你原先的目标，B地却让你体会了小小的冒险。回忆起来，你说，那是一次令你难忘的出轨经验。生命中的许多时候不也如此？心无旁骛地奔赴唯一的目的，不过是履行了原本的行程而已；离开预设的轨道，你才有机会发现其他的风景。

　　悄悄悄悄地回归平静..

　　曾经有一段时间，你心情低落，甚至懒得拉开窗帘，看着窗外的阳光。因此你当然也忘了去看看，窗台上那一盆每天都需要喝水的玛格丽特。如此不知过了多久，总算有一天，你度过了心情的低潮，同时也想起了你的玛格丽特。天啊，可怜的花，她还活着吗？你战战兢兢地拉开窗帘，却见她迎风招摇，花颜可掬。原来在过去的这段日子里，你虽然忘了喂她喝水，老天却没忘了以雨露眷顾她呢。许多事物悄悄地在你的视线之外进行，而且悄悄地安排好了它们自己。天生万物，天养万物，一切其实无须担心……你只要做的就是做好自己，不留任何遗憾…足矣。

2009-04-23T12:16:00.002+08:00

Ok, apparently, I am not in a good mood these two days. I do know the reason for my "depression" this time though. The previous week has been filled with so much laughter and happiness, I feel kind of empty these two days. Of course, it have something to do with people (or should i say person) too. But I shall not mention it here~

Either way, i think everything's back to normal now. Normal, as in back to the way they are before last week. Before last fri, to be exact. The thing is, humans are greedy. Once they have had a taste of something better, they will not accept anything less. I guess, that's the case for me now.

Seriously, I think I am not making sense here. Maybe it's because my English expressions real lousy but also because I am eliminating the names and details. The point is, I am upset now. And I dont want to be...I promised I will be optimistic and stay happy irregardless of circumstances. But it's proving to be real tough and I am literally struggling. I am really looking forward to June. Perhaps things may be worse come June since I will not have my work to keep me preoccupied but at least I can really let my emotions flow where I am alone. Also, being alone may help me think clearly and stop me from harbouring some impossible hopes.

Counting down to June...

2009-04-22T08:23:00.003+08:00

I feel like I have fallen into a pit of quicksand. The more I struggle, the deeper I sink. I didnt plan it to be this way. I know it would be self-destructive; suicidal. But I cant help it...

I know it will get much worse. i hate myself for being so vulnerable. When will i ever learn to guard my heart?

2009-04-20T16:18:00.002+08:00

I am so angry with myself!!! I have always prided myself for being someone who is less vulnerable to succumb to sales talk. But apparently, I had overestimated myself.

Alright, I am glad that I have not been persuaded to buy something real expensive, but the thought of myself acting on impulse like that made me real mad. And it is not the first time I have acted on impulse. One day, my impulsiveness will cost me greatly!!!

When will I ever learn to follow my head and not my heart? When will I ever learn to make decisions only after weighing the pros and cons?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like the dumbest fool ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-17T08:06:00.004+08:00

最近发现人真的很矛盾。
又或许只有我处在这种矛盾的状态之中...
曾经我费尽心思
想将过往遗忘。
如今我千方百计
努力抓紧回忆。

因为害怕，
害怕自己一旦忘怀过去
就会失去重心，
就会迷失自己...

2009-04-14T16:33:00.002+08:00

Ok, I am just going to list down some of the lastest updates in my life.

Firstly, I had a reasonably good weekend last week. On Friday, my family and I went church to commemorate Good Friday. After that, I met up with my friends and ate at her sister's stall. Later in the afternoon, there was a "small" party at my house. Actually, we didnt plan it but my cousin said that she had invited some of her friends over so my parents prepared some snacks. Yup, and Wilfred brought two of his friends home as well. Hmm, I know I am in no position to judge but I really think his two friends are too young and not very polite. So I guess I was quite disappointed. Not so much with them, but rather with my brother.

Then on Saturday evening, our whole extended family went Sakura to have dinner to celebrate Dad's birthday in advance. I ate alot of the desert and sushi, cause they were really nice:) and mind you, I was supposed to be on a diet!!! then my uncle and dad were saying "nevermind eat first, we start dieting another day~" hahs, so typical of us:))

Easter Sunday:)) We went church as usual and I was supposed to be the "读经员”, a.k.a. the person to read the bible text. I was super stressed up because I wasn't used to speaking in front of the whole congregation with a mike. When the time comes for me to go upstage, I was literally shaking.. Hahs, but thank God, I managed to finish reading it. Though I was reading a little fast, most of them could make out what I was reading. Then at the end of the service, Amy came and asked me: "So how, still shaking?" Hahs, so MALU!! Then after lunch, we went for the "Speak proper Chinese" course conducted by one of the sisters in church. The lesson was really fun, I practically laughed through the lesson, because James was like making jokes of all the pronunciation. When the "teacher" asked him to stand up and read, he was fumbling over some of the words and was trying hard to read them with a Chinese accent. Overall, it was hilarious:DDD

Then yesterday was back to school as usual. But i guess I din sleep well the night before, so when I woke up, the room was spinning. Still, I made my way to school. However, after morn assembly, I was really feeling unwell. So I went to tell Miss Tan and left for home. Then I slept the entire day away~

And today!! Today's DAD's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY, although he wont see this:) hahs. I din get him a cake although i feel like buying one. But from past experiences, I am always the one to finish up the cake, i think DAD dont really like cakes and it is unhealthy for him as well. Hahs, really, I am not trying to find excuses for not buying the cake ^^

Anyway, I am really looking forward to JUNE. Not that I dont like my job here in ZHSS, but I guess I really need the break to do some other stuff. Plus we are going to a camp in JUNE. So I am kinda looking forward to JUNE. Although I have learnt from past experiences that each time I look forward to something, nothing very good ever comes out of it, I still believe that it is blissful to have something to look forward to in life. That's what keeps us going, isn't it?

2009-04-14T09:08:00.003+08:00

《哥哥的糖葫芦》

在儿时的记忆里，从来没人敢欺负我，因为只要我一哭，哥哥就会像保护神一样及时地出现，他很黑很壮，就算同伴的哥哥在场，也没人敢和他较量。

　　在我真正懂事后，才渐渐知道自己的哥哥是个“半傻子”，也就是现在常说的“弱智”。上学后，我一直无法面对这个现实，为此，我多次和同学吵翻了天。他们只要喊一声“傻棒子，你妹子叫你”，哥哥就会飞奔过来听人家摆弄。哥哥的“半傻”让我越来越自卑，于是我开始有意无意地躲着他。上三年级那年的冬天，一天下学后，一个女生让我去看她爸从城里带回的新挂历。我们从学校后墙翻出去，绕过校门口的时候，看见哥哥在那里直直地站着，模糊中看到他手里是一串鲜艳的糖葫芦。我跑出去很远，还能看到哥哥倔强的身影站在那里，身边孩子们的讥笑声钢针一样刺着我的耳膜。

　　同学家的挂历真漂亮，我一页页地翻看着，忽然听到远处有人喊我的名字。仔细听听，正是哥哥变了调的声音。我没答应，挂历中美丽的女明星让我幼小的心灵产生一种深深的自卑感，想到自己的哥哥是个傻子，什么心情都没了。

　　天黑时我才回到家，爸妈看到是我一个人，急忙问哥哥哪儿去了。我懒得回答，心里只想着那本美丽的挂历。爸爸二话没说跑了出去，妈妈急得哭起来，我忽然想要是哥哥就此丢了才好，这样我和别人的差距就小了。

　　半夜我从梦里醒来，听到妈妈的哭声，还没明白怎么回事，哥哥已经扑了过来，抱住我大声号啕起来：“妹子你回来啦，可吓死我了，你上哪儿去了，你怎么也不答应我啊。”

　　那时哥哥已经十五岁了，却哭得像个小孩。身上的衣服满是尘土，手里居然还攥着那串糖葫芦，只是完全变成了土黄色。后来我才知道，哥哥听说我和同学离开后，就满村子找着喊我，没找到，就一路跑到了邻村去找。爸爸是在离家二十里远的村子找到他的。从此，爸爸再也不让哥哥接我了。那时，我最大的愿望就是考上县城的高中，那样再不会有人笑话我有个傻哥哥了。

　　十五岁那年，我终于如愿以偿地考上了离家百里的县一中，一周才能回家一次。没了哥哥带来的烦恼，我学习非常好。第二年，忽然听说哥哥要结婚了，这让全家都很高兴。听邻居说我未来的嫂子就是县城近郊的，可人长得很丑，而且眼睛还有毛病。

　　我没能参加哥哥的婚礼，其实我压根也不想去，我无法想像一个半傻子和一个又丑又残废的嫂子在一起是什么样。回家后爸妈一直在叹气，告诉我结婚那天哥哥一直在门口等着我，被老丈人一顿好骂。新嫂子更是厉害，因为哥哥入赘要改姓，所以指着哥哥的鼻子说既然以后是她家的人，你那个妹子就不要再管了。

　　果然，哥哥结婚半年后我回家才再次看到他，瘦了很多，也老了很多。哥哥看到我愣了一下，马上像小时候一样把我抱了个满怀，连声叫着妹子妹子。他的力气很大，我挣不开，就这样由他抱着。十分钟后，哥哥终于松开我说得走了，要不赶不回去。我才知道哥哥是骑着一辆破自行车赶了一百里地来的。我送哥哥到村口，他偷偷塞给我一个塑料袋，里面都是一毛两毛的纸币。我说你哪儿来的钱，他居然有些狡黠地笑了：“你嫂子让我出摊卖棒子（玉米），这是我偷偷留下来给你买糖葫芦的。”那些钱都很破旧了，上面还留着很多泥土。我忍不住拉着哥哥满是裂纹的大手，却什么都说不出来。

　　此后我再没见过哥哥，高中第三年，一次下课后去校外散步，在一个自由市场的门口看到一个熟悉的身影，居然是哥哥，在一辆三轮车上吆喝着卖棒子。我吓了一跳，正考虑是不是躲开，他已经看见了我，疯了一样跑过来就要抱我。同行的女生吓得尖叫起来，我连忙说这是我哥哥。同学疑惑地看着我们：“他是你哥哥？”然后压低声音说：“怎么看起来有点傻似的。”我一下想起小时被笑话的情景，就听到哥哥大声说：“俺就是她哥，俺才不傻哩。”话音还没落，就听到一个尖利的声音喊道：“你个死傻子干什么去了，还不滚回来。”哥哥一哆嗦，我猜这就是我从没见过面的那个嫂子。果然，一个奇丑无比的独眼女人走过来，指着哥哥的鼻子大骂道：“你个傻棒子不好好看着摊，跑这儿勾引小蹄子来了。”我气得要和她对骂，哥哥急忙拉了我一把：“妹子你别着急，要不你嫂子回去该拿鞭子抽俺了，俺，俺回了，妹子你好好的。”

　　哥哥委屈地跟着嫂子走回去，低着头偷偷看着我。我强忍着泪水离开市场，我知道，很快学校就知道我有个傻哥哥了。

　　果然，那个女生很快把那天的事传了出去，同学们都知道市场有个卖棒子的傻子是我哥哥，争相去看。我再一次陷入了小时候的困境，这个傻哥哥难道注定是我的恶梦吗？

　　那之后我轻易不再到校外去了，一天我正在操场的角落看书，看门的老大爷走过来说门口有人找你，我走过去就看到哥哥又像小时候一样直直地站在那里，手里举着一串糖葫芦，看到我就喊起来：“妹子妹子，你嫂子给了我五毛钱，看，刚蘸的糖葫芦，又酸又甜的。”他夸张的大块头和兴奋的叫声那样不协调，好奇的人们又哄然笑起来，一个该死的男生还尖声学着妹子啊妹子。我再也忍不住了，一把夺过糖葫芦扔在地上，发狠地用脚踩着：“你走，谁是你妹子。”

　　人们愣住了，哥哥的笑容凝结在脸上，嗫嚅着还没说话，嫂子又出现了，一把揪着哥哥的耳朵往回拽：“我让你偷钱，我让你偷钱，你真傻还是假傻，还学会偷钱给‘娘家’人了……”

　　哥哥孩子一样被嫂子拽走了，我木头般地离开喧嚣的人群，莫大的耻辱让我听不到任何动静。这时一只足球从操场飞过来，我被狠狠地砸倒在地上，头重重地磕在压着篮球架的水泥板上，昏了过去。

　　我醒来的时候已经躺在医院里，头上缝了五针，妈妈在旁边哭得死去活来。我却有些解脱似的，起码这阵子不用在学校被人笑话，只是过完年就要高考了，我的学习肯定会被耽误的。

　　第二天，忽然有同学来看我，并且争着留下来为我补课。我很清楚，这些和我一样的农家子女都很刻苦，他们肯花费宝贵的时间来帮助我让我感到很意外。

　　五天后我出院返校，发现大家的举动都有些古怪，室友们不但不让我打饭，而且连我的衣服都要帮我洗，让我妈妈放心回家。这让我非常感动，心想自己一直是太小气了，其实同学们都挺好的。

　　一天我在收发室看报纸，忽然看到哥哥出现在大门口，抱着一堆玉米站在那里。我迟疑着走出去，哥哥看到我愣了一下，撒腿就跑，怎么喊都没用。这时我听到收发室老大爷叹了口气说道：“丫头，自从你住院之后，你哥哥每天都抱着一堆玉米来学校，见人就说他妹子摔着了，让人多照顾照顾你。你那个嫂子整天跟过来骂街，可怎么都骂不走，一直到把玉米都送完，你的同学都答应照顾你才走。唉，其实有时候傻子比正常人还聪明，你哥哥还说不让告诉你，怕你让人笑话哩。”

　　我回到宿舍挨个问同学们，果然如老大爷所说，几乎所有人都收到了哥哥送的玉米。即使我嫂子天天骂，哥哥却再没有退缩过，只是重复着一句话：“我妹子摔着了，你帮帮她，我给你棒子。”

　　最后同学说有这样一个好哥哥，就是再傻也是幸福的。我哭个没完，傍晚的时候，妈妈从家来看我，听我说了这些后长叹一声道：“其实你哥小时候最聪明最能干了。有一次你看到村里有人卖糖葫芦，闹着要吃。你哥没钱买，就说能不能赊一个。卖糖葫芦的逗他说你能爬上那棵老槐树我就送你一串。你哥二话不说就爬上去，谁知被绊倒摔了下来，当时就昏了过去。抢救了一天才醒过来，从此就成了这样半傻的样子。可怜他昏迷中还一直喊着你，说哥马上就给你买糖葫芦回来……”

　　我再也听不下去了，一路跑到市场，哥哥果然还在那里守着摊子。我一下扑进他的怀里，所有人都惊讶地看着。哥哥吓了一跳，马上又明白过来，什么都没说，只是用满是泥土的胳膊紧紧搂着我。他知道我此时最需要他的拥抱，即使他再傻也知道，我深信不疑。

看了这篇散文后，我深受感动。不，我哥哥不是傻子，但是哥哥很疼爱我。就像有一回，我嚷着要吃巧克力，妈妈不准；哥哥竟悄悄买了一包巧克力，趁母亲不注意时塞给我。所以，看到这篇文章，我特别感动。

将此文献给世上所有伟大的哥哥们。~

2009-04-07T16:45:00.002+08:00

CAIYUN IS HAPPY!!!:DD

ok, actually the day didnt start up being great. As usual, I woke up early in the morning and went to school for work. My mentor was having her obs today so i din have to go in for her lesson. But I went in for the Maths lesson in the afternoon.

I was supposed to do invigilation for the test at 2.30pm. But stupid me forgot to go and take the papers from the setter. Then around 1.30pm, I realised I was supposed to go get the papers. So i went to find the setter but he wasnt at his desk.

As the time nears for the test, I was a little panicky. So i started praying real hard that the setter will appear at his desk, or better still, bring me the papers. But apparently, my prayer was not answered. So, being the worrier I am, I went to find another teacher and asked her where I can find the setter. She told me to just go to the class first and probably the setter would come with the papers. So I went.

Then at the door, I was pleasantly surprised to see another teacher inside the class with the test papers! I was like, whew, thank goodness. And better yet, the teacher offered to do the invigilation. Whoa~ Actually i feel abit bad to add to his workload since i think the full-time teachers are very busy but...

Either way, I really think the Lord has a perfect plan. Sometimes when He seem not to answer our prayers, He is working to give us something better. So I guess, we just have to wait upon Him...

2009-03-29T15:51:00.002+08:00

观看《射雕英雄传》后有感

最近第二次收看《射雕英雄传》，仍然搞不清杨康究竟是一个怎么样的人。说他坏嘛，他对穆念慈的情谊却又让人感动；说他是身不由己，他却又像是自愿选择荣华富贵。最后，我姑且得出的一个结论是，他是一个迷失了自己的人。不禁在想，如果黄蓉等宋人可以像郭晋那样毫不保留地相信他，他是否会因为得到这份温情而走正直的道路？同样的，在我们现今的社会里，如果我们能敞开心房，宽恕他人的过犯，给他一个悔改的机会，他是否就能改过自新呢？

2009-03-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

YUP, I CHANGED MY BLOGSKIN
That's kinda obvious I guess. Hahs, dont ask me why I changed it, I just got this urge to change it. Hahs, "impulse" may be a good word. Hmm...but i really like the bear at the corner and I think the words are true. I NEED JESUS. I really do...

Ok, just to blog about my life abit since I am already at this page. So as it is, school has reopened and I am back to teaching. Actually, not exactly teaching, more of observing, i guess. School's fine, i would say. The other teachers are all so so busy (I finally realised the hardships my teachers endured), the students are so so stressed (Week 6's their Mid year exams, yes, study hard people!)...I guess the high stress level around me affected me somehow making me kinda stressed up as well..Hahs, but compared to them, I think I am pretty relaxed la.

Then to Uni applications. I received the offer of admission from NUS today. I am still waiting for reply from the MOE and Peking University. Meanwhile, I am trying to apply for NTU and NUS scholarships. I have been cracking my head these two days to try to write the Personal Statements and now I have to ask my tutor to help me fill in the appraisal form. I kinda of feel bad actually to trouble her. I am sure my tutor(s) are all very busy and to add on to their workload is really cruel and inhumane, but I really have NO CHOICE. Ok, maybe I do, i can choose not to apply for all these things. But I really dont want to add on to my parents' financial burden, given the financial crisis now and so on. So, I am in a bit of a difficult situation huh.

Well, I guess that's life. You can choose but whichever path you take, you can be sure there are some hardships and pains and unhappiness. On the other hand, there would also be joy, laughter and happiness. Thus, we can only exercise our discretion and try to choose the "better" path.

Or maybe there is a better way...

to just leave everything in God's hands. Afterall, who knows better than He does?

2009-03-12T09:49:00.002+08:00

用一生等待一个约定
（摘自http://www.duwenzhang.com/）

小的时候，明亮温暖的下午，她会站在他家的窗下，高声喊着他的名字。然后他会从窗口探出小小的脑袋来回答她：“等一下，3分钟！”

　　但她通常会等5分钟以上，因为他会躲在窗帘后面，看着她在开满花的树下一朵一朵地数着树上的梨花。当他看到分不清哪个是花，哪个是她的时候，才会慢吞吞地下楼去。她看到他，会说：“你又迟到了。”然后，他们就开始玩过家家，她是妈妈，他是爸爸，却没有孩子。

　　她把掉下来的花瓣撕成细细的条，给自己的小丈夫做菜吃。

　　上中学的时候，她和他约定每天早晨7点在巷口的早餐铺见面。她总是很准时地坐在最里边的位置，叫来两根油条。7点10分以后，他拖着黑色的书包出现在有些寒冷的阳光里，表情懒散，脸上有隐隐可见的牙膏沫。她看到他，会说：“你又迟到了。”然后他坐下来开始吃早餐。她把他脏脏的书包放在自己的腿上。

　　她把粗大的油条撕成细细的条，给他配着热腾腾的豆浆喝。

　　高中毕业典礼那一天，他们去了一家婚纱店。她指着一套婚纱对他说：“我好喜欢那套婚纱。”他看着那套婚纱，它不是白色，而是深蓝色的，蓝得有些诡异，有些忧郁，就像新娘一个人站在教堂里，月光掉在她如花的脸上时，眼中落下的一滴泪。

　　然后他轻声告诉她：“等你嫁给我的那一天，我把它买给你。”

　　大学他们分居两地，当她打电话询问他的信什么时候会到时，他常常回答她大概3天以后。而她接到信的时候，已经过了7天。于是她会在回信里包上新鲜的玫瑰花瓣，然后写道：“你又迟到了。”

　　她把日记撕成细细的条，夹在信里寄过去。她想如果他细心地把那些碎条拼起来，就可以读到她在深夜对他的思念。

　　毕业以后，他们有了各自的工作。有一天他说要来看她，于是朴素的她第一次化了妆，匆匆赶去车站。她看着空荡荡的铁道，觉得那是些寂寞的钢轨，当火车从它们身上走过，它会发出绝望的哭声。

　　火车比预定时间晚了一个小时。她看到他变得比以往更加英俊，只是眼中少了一分懒散。接着她又看到他的身边有一个笑颜如花的女子，他介绍那是他的未婚妻。

　　她只是说了一句：“你又迟到了。”

　　那天晚上，她把他写过的信撕成了细细的条，让一团温柔的火苗吞噬了它们的身躯。

　　他结婚那天也邀请了她。她看到新娘是如此的美丽，穿着一套洁白的婚纱。那婚纱白得十分刺目，像是在讥讽她的等待。没有人发觉她在晕眩。

　　第二天她就搬去了一个小城市，没有人知道她在哪里，她决心要从这个世界里蒸发，从他的生活里蒸发。

　　他像大多数都市里小有成就的男人一样，经历了事业上的成功、失败，离婚、再婚，再离婚、再结婚，丧妻。在他的生命里路过了许许多多的女人，有些爱他，有些被他爱，有些伤害了他，有些被他深深地伤害。匆匆而来，又匆匆而去。当他恍惚记起曾经那个站在开满鲜花的树下一朵一朵数梨花的小女孩时，自己已经是七旬的老人了。

　　他寻访到了她的讯息，认为自己应该带一点见面礼给她。后来有人告诉他，她一直都没有结婚，似乎在等待一个约定，只是这个约定的期限不知是在何时。于是，他知道自己该买些什么了。

　　他花了很长时间去寻找一件深蓝色的婚纱，他的确找到了很多件，只是没有一件像当年那套一样，有着孤独新娘在月光下的第一滴眼泪感觉的深蓝色婚纱。辗转反侧，终于他从香港一位收集了很多套婚纱的太太手里买下了那样一件婚纱。

　　那位太太听过他们之间的故事后坚持不收钱，但他还是付给了她55元钱，因为从他许下买下这套婚纱的约定到现在已经过去55年了。

　　他带着那套深蓝色的婚纱，匆忙赶到医院。他从不知道自己70多岁的身体居然可以跑得这样快。但是时间是最捉弄人的东西，在他怀抱那堆深蓝色的轻纱踏进病房的那一刻，她停止了呼吸。

　　他觉得这一幕是那么似曾相识，只不过不同的是，她不能再对他说一句：“你又迟到了。”

　　她一直都在等待约定的期限，尽管他总是迟到。

　　但她从没想过，那最后一个约定的期限，就是她一生的时间。

2009-03-08T16:43:00.002+08:00

A LVL RESULTS!

Friday was the official release of the A Level examination results. I think I did ok; in fact, I am really grateful for my results. I was truly worried that I would fail my GP, but I thank God that He has performed yet another miracle in my life. So in view of my results, I would like to thank the following "people":

(1) Firstly, I want to thank God for His grace and mercy. Thank you for making the impossible possible. Thank you for being with me during my studying period, my examination period and each day of my life. Thank you for comforting me when I am down. Thank you for the trials that kept me from being complacent. Thank you for sending me teachers and friends who were very patient and kind to me. Thank you for everything.

(2) Secondly, I want to thank my beloved teachers. Thank you my pri/sec school teachers for laying the foundation for me and making me interested in the subjects. Thank you some of my Sec school teachers who continued to encourage me and help me with my studies even in my JC years. Thank you all my JC teachers for their teachings, guidance, love, patience and encouragement. Thank you 吴老师，陆老师，陈主任，陈老师，张老师，林老师，潘老师，何老师，Ms Nirmala, Mdm Ang, Mrs Tan KS, Mrs Chua, Mr Tam, Ms Seah, Mrs Lim and other lecturers....Thank you.

(3) Thank you 0719!!! Thank you for the cohesion in the class, the love, the friendship, the fun and laughter. It's a joy to be with you all. It's a blessing to have all of you around. Thank you for everything:)) Special thanks to my good friends, hongchen, lan hua, wen yan, huiying, xinyun, sujun, huijun...everyone!

(4)Thank you my MUM, DAD and WILFRED!:DD Thank you for their understanding and counselling when I feel depressed and on the verge of giving up.

(5) Thank you my brothers and sisters, uncles and aunties in Christ. Thank you for praying for me, for giving me sound advice and offering a listening ear when I needed someone. Thank you.

So, with the release of results, I have closed yet another chapter in my life. For the next chapter, I wonder if I will be in SIngapore or Beijing or...But wherever I may be, I pray that the Lord will continue to be with me. and that I will grow to be a Christ-abiding, Christ-loving, Christ-fearing disciple:))))

2009-03-05T10:53:00.003+08:00

我的人生
像一段火车轨道
和后面的轨道脱了节
无法和前方的轨道连接
在这段轨道上面
承载着一列超重的
火车

2009-03-02T18:54:00.002+08:00

There have been much speculations earlier on when the big "A"s results will be out. Apparently, many have decided that it is this Friday, 6 March 2009!!This Friday! that is like less than one week away; to be exact it's 4 days!!!

I cant say for sure if I want Friday to come earlier. One thing I am certain of, however, is that it is a cause for worry and fear and anticipation and what have you.
Contrary to what some of my friends may think, I have much reason to be afraid. In retrospect, I feel that I didn't really work very hard during the A lvl exams. I mean, I was working hard during prelims but somehow, I got tired and started to slow down during the actual A lvls. In addition, the papers were extremely tough for me. I was talking to one of my fellow colleagues today(another intern) and she seems to think that some of the papers were relatively easy. Sadly, I beg to differ. None of the papers were easy for me and I literally struggled through the exams. As such, I have every reason to fear for the results. In fact, this friday is a mini-judgement day for me; to judge my performance, to judge me on the effort I really put in.

I know that worrying now wouldnt add a single mark to my scripts, nor would it help with anything at all. Yet, it is a feeling i cant break free from. I know I should trust in the Lord to work for the best for me. I know He has shown me much grace and mercy over the years and have performed miracles for me during my PSLE and O lvls. But still, I am sorry to say that my faith is not enough. I am praying hard for a miracle and also for the emotional strength to accept whatever the Lord has prepared for me.

I know that whatever results I may get, the Lord has a plan for me and His plan is perfect. yet, as a human being, I also know that it would not be easy for me to accept a lousy result. Still I am waiting upon the Lord and waiting for His answers on friday.

And I am glad that His words are there to comfort me when I feel restless, afraid and all.

Jesus said: "Come to me, all who are weary and I will give you rest".

"Do not worry but in all things, pray in supplication and the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

2009-02-21T14:39:00.002+08:00

刚才我在街上偶然遇见了他。这些年，我一直默默期盼能再见他一面，可是都未能如愿。没想到，今天，在我最没有心理准备的情况下，我多年的心愿竟然实现了。人说“机会偏爱有准备的人”，我却要说“有心栽花花不开，无心插柳柳成荫”。

话说会来，今天是我最最不想见到他的时候；因为生病，连发音都不标准。我实在不希望他看见我如此狼狈的样子。但是，我想他也不会在乎的。

人生有时就是那么矛盾。当你死守一样东西时，就怎么也得不到。而当你转身想放弃时，眼角却又掠过一丝什么。怪不得人们常说“做人难啊”。

2009-02-14T18:10:00.002+08:00

I am just going to share this little episode I had today at one of the coffee shops in Serangoon North. As it is, my brother and I attended the Contact123 Tea Party organised by TMC. Since my brother had not eaten his lunch, we went to the nearby coffee shop before the event starts to grab something. We were told by Michelle to return before 1.30pm for prayer.

So happily, the two of us went to the coffee shop to have lunch. We ordered some fries, dim sum and drinks. But apparently, the fries took very long to be ready. As we were running late, I began to nag at my brother=.="

then the auntie gave us a knowing look, and said "hmm, today is Valentine's day hor?"

Me: "ya, happy valentine's day, auntie"

Auntie: "happy, happy, you more happy then me..haha"

I stole a glance at my brother and said, "auntie, this is my brother."

The auntie was stunned and then started shaking her head and said, "Dont lie la". She passed us our fries and we hurried off. On the way, my brother and I were like laughing till our sides hurt.

Then during the tea party, some of aunties mistook the two of us for couple again. And we had to tell them our surname before they finally believed that we are siblings. URG! Just because we talk, and we dont look like each other, doesnt mean we are couple, can?
haha. But it was really hilarious the way they stared wide-eyed when we said we are brothers and sisters.

Anyway, i do feel blessed that the two of us are close though we have a 4 years age gap and gender difference. And I pray that we will continue to remain close even after he marries my future sister-in-law, whoever that will be. Hahs.

2009-02-11T17:17:00.002+08:00

这几天的心情又有点低落了。19年了，这种跌宕起伏的心情，我也渐渐习惯了。唯一让我觉得特别苦恼的，是这一次，我竟然丧失了写作的能力。本来嘛，心情不好时，用文字发泄一下，也就算了。可是，如今，我提起笔，却怎么也无法正确地表达出心里的情感。于是，我觉得特别的憋气，特别的难受。

写不出东西，许是因为自己的创作能力下降了。毕竟，会考以后，我就没有再向过去那样勤奋地写作了。又或许是，我也理不清自己究竟是怎么想的。这话怎么说呢？嗯，应该说，我本来没有什么充分的理由难过的。当然，这不表示我的人生一帆风顺。只不过应该还没有发生什么让我能理直气壮地去伤心的事（我也希望永远不会有这样的事）。但我却莫名其妙地难过。也许是因为我太贪心了。有些不属于我的东西，我真的应该学会放下；有些事情，我真的应该学习少点敏感，多点不在乎。

话说回来，重点并非我是否应该难过，而是我的心情确实不好。我不知道我要到什么时候才能真正摆脱这种不开心的情绪。也许，当我从这一切中逃出来时，我已经成了一个不懂得伤心，亦不懂得快乐的无情之人了。

2009-01-25T09:36:00.003+08:00

整整两个星期没有写东西了。其实，前几天，我到超市时看见了一些现象让我颇有感触，本想将这些感触记下。可惜，我一回到家，却怎么也组不成完整地句子。无奈，我只得放弃这个念头。

从下周起，我就开始教课咯。我教的是中三华文和数学。但愿我能和同学们建立起良好的师生关系，也希望我能让他们好好学习。

在牛年来临之际，在此恭祝大家新年快乐、身体健康、心想事成、万事如意，更重要的是知足常乐，珍惜身边所有的人。

2009-01-12T19:20:00.002+08:00

It has been 12 days into the new year and I have already done some things which I am really glad I did.

Firstly, my whole family and I got baptised on the 10th of Jan. Thank the Lord for bringing my whole family into His presence. And of course, baptism marks only the beginning and not the end of our long journey with Him. May the Lord continue to be with us and guide us to follow His will. May He grant us the faith and the strength to continue walking with Him:))

Secondly, the six-weeks internship programme begins today. Though today hasnt been all pleasant, with the unfamiliar surroundings and faces, still it has been pleasant enough. Hopefully I can do a good job when I do get the chance to teach the classes.

Hahs, so that's about all that is happening in my life this new year. Though it seems as if there aren't many things involved, it's keeping me occupied enough. Of course, there is the Uni and scholarship apps, which are taking up most, if not all, of my free time. So i guess I am kind of "busy" now. Hahs. But I do enjoy being occupied now and then. At least i know that my life is being meaningfully spent. So, ok, like i said, I am "busy" these few days, so I shall not spend too much time blogging. Hahs:))

2009-01-01T21:50:00.002+08:00

随着新年的到来，一切事物也都应该更新吧。或许，也是时候我放下过去，勇敢地迎接新的生活阶段。可是，放下过去？谈何容易呀！倘若世间上有能让人忘怀过去的药，该有多好啊。如果真有这样的药，我想我若干年前就应该服下了。有些回忆，扔掉了可惜，珍藏着嘛，有会让人伤感。人，或许总是处在这种矛盾的状态之中。

我想我真的太多愁善感了。每每面临着新的生活阶段，我都会说不出地感伤。可能是因为未来充满着太多的未知数，让我有点无所适从吧。又可能是我太执着于一些人、一些事。有时候，太在乎一些事物会让人变得很脆弱。忘了是谁曾经说过，当你太在乎一个人或一件事时，你已经将心门的钥匙交给了他，任他随意进出你的心，轻易地伤害你。如果真是这样，也许我真的太在乎了。

新的一年，也许我真的应该学会放下，学会不要那么在乎。人活着似乎总是有学也学不完的东西。我的学习能力向来不是很强，究竟我要花多少的时间，经历多少次的伤心才能学会这门课呢？我真的不知道。

2008-12-30T21:38:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's the last day of the year 2008. How time flies! This year has seen many, many major events, be it on the personal or the global level.

Even as we welcome the new year 2009, i would like to list here some of my new year resolutions--rather my wishes for the year 2009:

1) I wish that there would be peace for the world in 2009 and the years to come. No, i am not competing in some beauty pageant, but i just couldn't bear to see any more wars/conficts etc. May the whole of the human population live in peace and harmony with each other; may there be no terror events ever again. I know it's not going to be as easily done as said, but i believe if there is will, there's gotta be a way.

2) I wish that all my family members, relatives, friends and loved ones will stay healthy, happy and blissful forever. May the good Lord shower His love and blessings over each and everyone of us and may we always be grateful for His grace and love.

3) I pray that i will be able to live a life worthy of a Christian; that i can spread Christ's love to those around me:) I pray the Holy Spirit will come and overwhelm me and stop me from sinning against the Father.

4) I hope that I can do a good job for the Teaching Internship Programme, that i can have a memorable and pleasant experience as a teaching intern:))

5) I pray that I can do extremely well for my A levels and to obtain a scholarship. And if God will, I will be in Beijing next year pursuing my studies.

6) I wish that i will learn to look forward in life. To treasure all past memories but not be held back by them.

7) I pray that wherever I am, whatever happens, I will be able to maintain the strong friendships i have with my close friends.

There are probably some more wishes i have in mind. But right now, that's about all i can think of now...

Happy New Year to all!:))

2008-12-28T16:40:00.002+08:00

不幸的人生？

刚刚在电视上看到了一部让我十分感动的片子。我不知道那片名是什么，但其实那也不重要。这部片子记叙的是著名指挥家舟舟的故事。在一般人眼中，舟舟是一个再不幸不过的孩子。他一出生就被诊出是一个迟钝的孩子。童年时，他曾遭唾弃，曾经被村里的孩子欺负；他曾在河岸边被其他孩子剥光了衣服，赤裸裸地站在风中。

然而，尽管如此，他却没有自暴自弃。他努力地做一个乖巧、懂事的孩子，虽然他不会挣钱，但是却也是父母亲的一大骄傲。凭着上天给予他的天赋，他成功地成为了世上唯一一位不懂乐谱的指挥家。正如他母亲所说：“我曾经很脆弱...但是当我勇敢地面对命运的时候，奇迹出现了。”

无奈，当他终于走上音乐界的大舞台时，疼爱他的母亲因病逝世了......

这部片子所以让我感动除了因为舟舟的故事是那么值得人们同情，更重要的是他，以及他的家人，是如此的坚强。在残酷的命运面前，他们不惧怕，而是勇敢的面对、对抗命运。在我看来，这种不屈不挠的精神是值得我们钦佩的，不是吗？

多少次，我们在遇见困难时，都会怨天尤人、自哀自怜？多少次，我们在遇到挫折时，希望能逃离，以为死后便一了百了？但是舟舟的母亲，在历尽了一生的坎坷后，她在病床上的最大愿望，竟是“我多希望自己能和你们在一起，哪怕一天，哪怕一小时，哪怕一分钟！”

也许，每一人到了临死前，都会眷恋人生。也许每一人在生命的最后一刻都想要挽留生命中的一点什么。但是，为什么我们人活着时却不懂得珍惜呢？

我尤其喜欢张小娴写过的一段话：
“为什么我们总是不懂得珍惜眼前人？在未可知的重逢里，我们以为总会重逢，总会有缘再会，总以为有机会说一声对不起，却从没想过每一次挥手道别，都可能是诀别，每一声叹息，都可能是人间最后的一声叹息..."

是啊，我们总是将活着视为是理所当然的。而当我们意识到要好好的珍惜它时，生命恐怕已经走到了尽头。也许这是人类永远都无法明白的道理，是我们人类的悲哀与无奈。又或许，我们可以试着去改变这种可悲的宿命，视活着的每一天为生命的最后一天。

2008-12-24T16:46:00.002+08:00

I feel kinda detached from the rest of the world recently. I guess that's the inevitable result of staying at home too much. Feels like i am unfamiliar with the people around, even my friends. I am just cooped at home, with my books and my family. So, apart from the two, the other things and people appear out of place. Therefore, when Hongchen msged me last night to ask me to go out, I was really reluctant. Not that i dont want to go out with them, just lazy to step out of my comfy home. Hahs, ok, to hongchen, i know i owe you alot:P

Anyway, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!!! Although i cant really hear the jingle bells, nor can i feel strongly the christmas atmosphere, the thought of Christmas still excites me:)) like i was saying, i like christmas! It's a season to be thankful, to God, to our family, friends and everyone around us:)) It's a time to be jolly. For me, it's also an opportunity for me to contact long-time friends:)) So, i love christmas, to say the least:))

Anyway, here's to wishing everyone a very merry and blessed Christmas! Cheers:DD

2008-12-21T21:20:00.003+08:00

4 more days to christmas!! That's certainly something for me to look forward to:) Though I hadnt planned for any christmas party or sorts, i am pleased by the idea that christmas is here:) Guess this is just the season to be jolly...haha

anyway, today, Trinity Methodist Church (TMC) invited two christian singers to the church to sing oldies. Hahs. Praise God that there are many newcomers to the church today and 6 of them also responded to the altar call to trust in Jesus. Praise be to God:))

Hahs, and for most of the oldies song sung by the singers, my brother and I knew them!! Hey, we are not old or anything, just that our parents play them often at home,ok? HAHA, just got to clarify:)) ya, and one of the singers (the younger one) was really very "Shuai(4)". hahs. and i was telling all my family members that when we left the worship hall, opps. then my aunt bought their CD and passed to me to ask them to sign. Hahs, then Mum suggested I took photos with that very "shuai" singer. Haha. No, dont be mistaken, I am not "fa-ing hua chi", i am just stating the fact that that guy is really good-looking and photogenic and he sings well and plays the guitar well...yup.

Ok, enough talk about him. Anyway, I think the outreach programme was really a success. They have other sessions during Christmas season. So if anyone is interested to hear them(highly recommended:)), the details are as follows:

Date: 25/12/2008 and 26/12/2008
Time: starting 7.30pm
Venue: DBS Auditorium
6 Shenton Way, DBS Building Tower 1

Free Admission!